Disney 2013, Day Seven

Today we did the only park we hadn't been to yet, Disney's Animal Kingdom. Just a quick note here: There's not a whole lot of material to make jokes about at Animal Kingdom; it's more of a take a trillion pictures kind of park, so this report might be a little dry. (When I put it up on the blog it'll be spiced up with a trillion blurry pictures with captions like "I think this is a monkey" and "Is this a lemur?")

When we arrived we went straight to the Rainforest Cafe. Katie got the chicken stir fry again. I got the South China Salad, which was quite good. If you're curious, "South China Island Dressing" is sesame ranch. "Are you going to put this in your trip report?" Katie asked, pointing her fork at me accusingly. "Put what in?" I asked innocently. "That you're getting something exciting and I'm getting the same thing I already had." "No," I lied cunningly. 

Then we had desert which was the same mango sorbet from Day 1; It was good. Then we hit the Rainforest Cafe gift shop, and we got new mugs. You may have seen me carrying around my 32oz Rainforest Cafe mug; it served faithfully for four years, but the outer shell broke and the top fell into the sink while it was full of gross scummy water and the mug was finally retired with honor (tossed into the garbage), so I'm very excited about getting a replacement. Hey, you just read a paragraph about me buying a plastic mug; this is going great!
2015 update: Both Rainforest Cafe mugs died within weeks of our return, with the second one taking a very dramatic plunge down the stairs =[

Also, there's this huge fish tank you walk under.

Then we went on

DINOSAUR 

Yes, the official name of this ride is DINOSAUR. This is very based on an obscure movie from the year 2000. I'd been on this ride before, but it wasn't until this time that I figured out that you're actually saving the hero of the movie DINOSAUR by bringing him into the future so that he doesn't die with the rest of the DINOSAURs. Huh.

Anyway, the ride itself is that you're in a time machine in the dark that skids all over the place. They do that thing where they take a picture of you at the scariest moment of the ride, and Katie decided that the expression on my face was "concern". Unfortunately, we were then eaten by dinosaurs.

We had some time to kill after DINOSAUR (getting digested takes a long time), so we wandered on over to Finding Nemo - the Musical! This is a 40 minute stage show that recreates the entire plot of Finding Nemo, except everyone is an actor holding up an expressive puppet. It's cute. Also, being able to sit down in the dark for 40 minutes was nice. And at the end when Nemo was found (spoiler alert!) like a billion bubbles came down from the ceiling. 

Prisoner 24601 - your sentence is over and being a flamingo has begun!
I don't know what I'm saying.

Kiliminjaro Safari

This is the signature attraction of the Animal Kingdom: A 20-something minute tour of the nature preserve. Last time we went, there was some guff about poachers where the tour guide pretends to help out a African guy named Wilson who's trying to save a baby elephant, but this has been cut in favor of just showing more animals. I think this is a wise move; seeing all the animals is awesome, and you don't really need that extra goofery.

And did we see all kinds of stuff and take about a billion pictures? We saw all kinds of stuff and took about a billion pictures. At one point we had to stop because a rhino was wandering across the road. Also, while we were waiting in line there were two cute little girls kicking each other. The end. Or is it? Cue pix (click to enlarge):

Either an alligator or a crocodile

Giraffe hiding behind a tree. 

Pretty sure these are animals of some kind?

Zebras/SJWs

This gorilla really didn't want his picture taken.

*SIGH*

Rhinos love standing in front of the ride vehicle.

But not exfoliating.

Pangai Forest Exploration Trail

The Safari lets out next to a trail you can walk if you want to see even more animals. We saw a meercat and a bunch of gorillas who were not terribly pleased to have a ton of pictures taken of them and also one of them smelled bad as a defense mechanism. We also saw a hippo who was sleeping underwater with just a little bit of its hump sticking out of the water that three birds were relaxing on. Also Katie's Charmander evolved into a Charmeleon and wasn't cute anymore so she gave it to me but I didn't use it because I already had a Fennekin.

Next we wanted to go on the Maharajah Jungle Trek, which is just like the walk we had taken, but it's in Asia and has tigers and birds. We ran smack into a parade, though, and ended up as the tail end, walking about fifteen feet behind the float Mickey Mouse was blowing kisses from. This part was a little weird.

The Maharajah Jungle Trek itself didn't have as many interesting animals (although we did see a very bored tiger), but the atmosphere was nicer; whereas the Pangai Forest is just wood huts, the Maharajah is done up like a abandoned Southern Asian temple. Also, it had some cute bats. LOOK AT THAT DUMB LITTLE BAT FACE. WHO'S A DUMB SLEEPY BAT? WHO IS??

Look at these cute chumps!

This tiger is in jail for contempt of court. Thanks, Obama.

Yak & Yeti

The last thing we did was eat dinner as the park closed 15 minutes after we finished. We went to a new place called Yak & Yeti where I got the sweet and sour chicken, which was great (not very sour, but I'm not complaining). Katie got vegetable lo mein with her buddy tofu. "Are you going to put this in your trip report?" she asked, pointing her chopsticks at me accusingly. "Put what in?" I innocently asked. "That you're getting something exciting and I'm getting something I eat every week."  "No," I cunningly lied. 

Then we had desert which was a trio of sorbets for me (orange with red sauce, one that tasted like frozen lemonade, and raspberry, and apparently I like raspberry sorbet) while Katie got some crazy skewer of pineapple and fried wontons with cream cheese inside.

And that's it for Animal Kingdom. Tomorrow is Mickey's Christmas Party at the Magic Kingdom. Oooooooooooooooooo!!!!

Disney 2013, Day 9

We had a short day today after the madness of being out until midnight at Mickey's Christmas Party the night before. (These are going out a little out of order; there's not that much to talk about for today, and I'm still trying to remember everything that happened last night. Just blame it on a wily time traveler.) 

Today we went back to Disney's Hollywood Studios, because going on Star Tours four times just isn't enough.

As soon as we arrived we headed over to Hollywood & Vine. This is a buffet style restaurant with characters roaming around. I shook hands with a pirate Katie says is from some Neverland show and got a creepy shoulder massage from a lady in a purple dress with a huge head. Also, there was a bear.

Foodwise, I'm leaning a lot about myself on this trip, as I apparently really like buffets. In fact, I think I was stuffed before I'd even seen half the line of food to take. I ended up eating a bunch of Asian fried chicken (no idea from where in Asia, but it came with little baby corn), garlic mashed potatoes, buttered corn, and some of Katie's shells from the make your own pasta section. The desert section had chocolate-covered apples and little key lime pie bites that weren't bad, but the real star was the banana cream puffs, which I ate like six of. 

After six banana cream puffs, we had no choice but to go on the Indiana Jones stunt show, which I'd never seen before and was very entertaining. Like the movies it's a mix of action and comedy, in this case the comedy taking up time while the sets are moved around and prepared. 

Next up was Voyage of the Little Mermaid, which is a very short live show. The entire thing is only 15 minutes long, and it's very strangely paced. First they do "Under The Sea" with big puppets, which is neat, then an actress comes out with a mermaid tail and does "Part Of Your World," which is nice, and then it gets weird as Ursula comes out, does a super quick version of "Poor Unfortunate Souls", then we super fast forward and it's over and everyone lived happily ever after please exit to your right thank you. It feels like someone designed the first act of a great show and then got bored, and Katie described it as "lame", thus making me OFFICIALLY a bigger Little Mermaid fan. What up!

Studio Backlot Tour

This is a weird ride. You start out by seeing some effects in a water tank (water cannons, fake gunshots, propane going off, etc.), then you ride past two P-51 Mustang props from "Pearl Harbor" (this ride keeps talking about "Pearl Harbor"). The planes had been painted to look like planes from, um, Planes, the movie, with big goofy eyes and smiles, but the voiceover hadn't been updated, so the guy's like "These spectacular props look ready to fly directly into battle!!!". Then you go into a canyon where they set off a huge propane fire and like 70,000 gallons of water, then you drive through the prop department and you're done. We did see Jabba's Sail Barge just sittin' out on the grass, which I think Katie got a picture of. 

Note from Katie: Actually, it was not the sail barge, it was the ship that Luke, Han, and Chewie were put on to be thrown into the Sarlacc. MMHMM.

After this we had a fast pass for one of the most difficult rides to get on in all of Disney. It was time to see what all the fuss was about on

Toy Story Midway Mania!

This is kind of like a super version of Buzz Lightyear's Ranger Spin, where you sit in a vehicle and shoot targets. Instead of having a lever that lets you spin, the car spins around for you, and you just focus on shooting. What makes this so amazing is that you have 3D glasses on and are shooting at huge video screens that show every shot you take and anything you hit getting broken, popped, splattered with pies, etc. (The first section, where you learn to shoot, had the dinosaur from Toy Story hiding behind a target as I blasted it with dozens of pies). I can see why this ride is so popular; it's incredibly satisfying to shoot stuff and watch it go flying in 3D. Katie got a slightly higher score, probably because I had to keep switching arms - unlike the Ranger Spin, you can't hold down the shoot button, you have to keep pulling back on the pop gun. Katie's rough upbringing as a lumberjack in the Canadian Pacific Northwest served her well here.

Next we debated going on "Rock 'n' Roller Coaster(r) Starring Aerosmith Presented by Hanes(r)", but nothing about "Blast off in a stretch limousine through the freeways of Los Angeles to the rockin' tunes of Aerosmith" sounded appealing. So what did we go on?

STAR TOURS

Oh, don't look surprised. This time we got Naboo as the first planet, which I'd never seen before, and made 3P0 very happy as we ended up in a pod race ("I've always wanted to do this!"). For the second planet we got Naboo. That kind of sounds like a disease when you put it that way. "You've got a case of Naboo." (shocked gasps)

Well, I'm getting a little punchy, so I guess I better wrap up here. Tomorrow we're doing Epcot again, and after that (sign) coming home to (big sigh) Albany. 

Disney 2013 Day Eight

Today we did Mickey's Magical Christmas Party. The way this works is that you buy a ticket (about $55), and in return you get to stay in the Magic Kingdom as everyone else is kicked out from 7 PM to 1 AM. And you also get free cookies, hot chocolate, apples, and apple juice. At first, I'll admit that I scoffed at the price, but at what ended up being less than $10 an hour, the atmosphere really is special. It's not just the thinner crowd (although that's part of it); Some combination of less people, how surprisingly dark the Magic Kingdom gets at night, and the atmosphere of a brightly lit up distant castle and dark walkways punctuated by giant glowing candy canes where you can get free food and drinks really does something to you. I'll return to this theme a little bit at the end, but it's something to keep in mind as we strolled from ride to ride actually feeling cold for once in Florida.

But before all that we hopped the monorail and went to the Polynesian resort, where we stayed last time, for a nostalgic dinner at the Kona Cafe. We both got the pan-asian noodles, which is basically a heap of onions, peas, peppers, noodles, and chicken (me) or tofu (katie). After that was the famous banana creme brulee, which was just as good as I remembered, but I had too many pan-asian noodles to finish it all. 

One monorail trip later and we were at the Magic Kingdom, where we got our plastic wristbands that marked us out was one of the 1% allowed to stay while the rest of the plebes returned to their hovels and makeshift mud huts. We arrived at around 6:30, and to get out of the crowd we ducked into Pirates of the Caribbean. In a Christmas miracle, there was nobody taking flash photographs (!!!!). Also, in the bathroom there was a loop of steel drum covers of Christmas songs going. 

We both got jackets - I got a black Pirates one while Katie got a truly impressive light pink Pirates jacket emblazoned with pictures of the Black Pearl from the first movie and fake I (heart) JACK tattoos. 

And guess what was fixed and running???

IT'S A SMALL WORLD

it's a world of laughter, a world or tears
it's a world of hopes, it's a world of fears
there's so much that we share
that it's time we're aware
it's a small world after all!

it's a small world after all!!
it's a small world after all!!!
it's a small world after all!!!!
it's a small, small world!!!!!!!

In all seriousness, I shouldn't have eaten those magic mushrooms before going on this ride. Also, there was someone behind us lustily cursing on It's a Small World. I don't even know how that happens.

Peter Pan's Flight

This is one of the rides that's normally just about impossible to get on; during the day it's usually never below 90 minutes. I can see why the wait time is long as it's pretty unusual - you get in pirate boats and fly over scenes from Peter Pan. The ride is all in the dark and there's a lot of day-glo paint that makes for a very neat effect. I'm not the biggest Peter Pan man myself, but it's hard not to feel at least a little exhilarated at the beginning of the ride as you fly through Wendy's window (also a good name for an art supply store) over a dark London rendered in such detail that there are moving cars over the bridges. 

The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh

This is a cute ride where I couldn't understand anything that was happening. I think Winnie the Pooh wanted honey and got stuck in a tree and Tigger bounced around being manic. You know, that one.

Mickey's PhilharMagic

We tried to see this on our second day and the "magic piano" broke. With the Christmas party in full swing, there was no line (the theater was maybe 1/15th full and one of the employees dryly noted that "we're not expecting a full house"). This is a 3D movie where Donald steals Mickey's magical hat (apparently Mickey being a sorcerer is canon now) and ends up on a montage through songs from the 90's classic Disney movies (Beauty and the Beast, Little Mermaid, Aladdin, Lion King). It's cute, and at the end Donald gets blown out of a tuba, and if you look at the back of the theater you can see his big duck butt sticking out of a broken section of wall. My only issue here is that Donald is huge at this point; his butt is as big as a car, and he could do some real damage if he got loose. I think this is where I make my apparently trademark "concern" face.

Under the Sea ~ Journey of the Little Mermaid

Why yes, I am typing the names of these rides directly from the park map. I don't have much to say about this; this is the fourth time we went on the ride this vacation, and it still looks great. It was very strange seeing a row of empty clamshells behind us. Mickey's Christmas Party, y'all.

Tomorrowland Transit Authority PeopleMover

On our way to this ride fireworks started going off. It was kind of scary since the first firework sounded like a gunshot, and they didn't get any quieter as we wandered over to Tomorrowland and got on the PeopleMover. (No, I'm not going to keep typing it like that.) I'm afraid Disney has spoiled me for fireworks; the sheer amount of them they send up is truly impressive, and watching them from the People Mover was quite relaxing.

Buzz Lightyear's Space Ranger Spin

I forgot to mention that we went on this with the Webers way back on Day 3. Seems like so long ago. This is another one of those rides that normally has a massive wait time we were able to get right on thanks to the smaller crowd. In this ride, you sit in a little car with two laser blasters and shoot at targets. You can use a little joystick to spin yourself around, usually to the amusement of the people in the car behind you, and as we found out, you apparently get points for shooting the space rangers in the car ahead of you in the back, as I definitely got at least 100 points by keeping the trigger held down and strafing the Webers. Weather that means you get points just for shooting or that the Webers are agents of the evil Emperor Zurg I'll leave up to the reader, but it probably doesn't pay to take any chances.

Oh, I almost forgot - this is also one of those rides where your picture is taken and you can see it up afterwards. Both times I looked "concerned," although the Webers looked great on the first go-round, and at the Christmas Party the hands down winner were two teen girls taking a selfie where one had her tongue sticking out. (I think I got 100 points for shooting her earlier; her tongue may be working for Zurg.)

Stitch's Great Escape!

This is a cute theater show where you're a guard at your first day of training and Stitch is captured and (checks title) he escapes and then he teleports away and the head guy is like "Good job," even though you didn't do anything and the space slug police officer played by Kevin McDonald is like "If you come back tomorrow turn off your cell phone!" (because nobody ever turns their cell phone off. Stop texting during the ride!). The end.

After that we wandered back over and did Haunted Mansion and Pirates again. By this time it was midnight and the park was emptying out as the park closed at 1 AM. As we ambled down main street under Christmas carols and Disney-generated snow, I have to admit that this was money well spent; Mickey's Magical Christmas Party isn't really a "party," but it does live up to the rest of its name.

Tomorrow: EPCOT one more time!!!!

Disney 2013, Days Four and Six

We did EPCOT on days 4 and 6 - the 4th with the Webers, and the 6th after they returned to deep space cyro freeze. Epcot is divided into two halves; the back half is the World Showcase, which has a few rides but is mostly shops and restaurants from around the world.

New at the entrance: Topiaries! 

The front half is "Tomorrowland" where all the awesome rides are. As soon as we arrived, we hoofed it through Tomorrowland to the back. We were making a beeline for

NORVAY

Well, technically, we made a beeline for the boat ride called "Maelstrom," but it's in NORVAY, so we just refer to it like that. This ride has been upgraded since the first time I was at Disney - originally Odin's eye appeared literally as a disco ball with an eye painted on it, but it's now a neat effect where his single eye is a light shining out of a silkscreen painting of his face. The rest of the ride hasn't changed much, and I think Katie was getting a little annoyed - as anyone would - at my constant declarations of "Ve vould like to have som of your tourist dollars... in NORVAY," "This was the best camera ve could afford... in NORVAY" (during the post-ride movie), and sometimes just "NORVAY!".

The first time through we sat through the post-ride movie, which seems to have been filmed in the 1970s or so, and whose message is basically: Norvay, come spend some dollars. The framing device is a little kid looking at a viking boat, and at the end he touches it and fades away and I assume he died and became part of the ghost crew. NORVAY.

And here's Africa, which is in between China and Germany. Just like real life!

Teppan Edo

Teppan Edo is on the right. In the middle is the gift shop.

The last time I was at Teppan Edo, I found out I like raw tuna; this time I finally found an alcoholic drink that didn't offend my delicate taste buds. Apparently I like plum wine. I only had about a glass and a half, so the other Nick had to drink most of the rest. Like the previous two times we'd been here, the food was excellent, and I have to give big ups to the Webers for picking up the check. Do people still do that? Big ups? How about props? Raising the roof? Raise the ups. I don't know. It was great.

SOARIN'

If you've read any of the previous trip reports, you may remember that I broke out the rainbow font to attempt to convey the sheer awesomeness of Soarin', a task that I now conclude is hopeless. Just go on Soarin'. It's awesome. We were in Row 1, so we got lifted the highest into the air. You're basically fake hang gliding with a huge, wrap-around imax screen in front of you. Soarin' sums up Disney at is most successful: It feels more realistic than real life. I felt more like I was flying on Soarin' than I did when I was on the airplane down here. Soarin' feels like you're really - well - soaring, whereas the actual airplane feels like you're in a metal tube where your ears keep popping. I really can't say enough good things about Soarin'. Fuck!

The Land

Happy Terrifying Sand Creature Day!

Across a concourse from Soarin' is The Land, which is one of the most sedate experiences you can have at Epcot; You get in a boat and lazily float through an experimental greenhouse. I took about a billion pictures. Bwah hah ha ha ha!! (lightning strike)

The sign says "Breadfruit". How can it be bread AND fruit?!?!?!?!?!?

This isn't blurry, it was taken during a dream sequence.

PUMPKINS. We don't have THOSE at home. What else does that say, "Monkey Puzzle Tree"? That isn't a thing!

I don't remember what these plants are, but they're in focus. In Focus plants. Prove me wrong!

Well, I guess that was just four. Anyway, wake up - it's time for
Mission: Space

This is one of those great rides that never has a wait time. Gary Sinise puts you through fake astronaut training for the first manned mission to Mars. We always go on the green, less intense version - it doesn't sound scary until you're in the simulator and you're tilted all the way on your back and you're actually looking up the launch rail.

The first time we went we had the Webers with us, and we were unfortunately killed as we were put into hypersleep while still on the ground. (Do not try this at home). The second time it was just the two of us, and we'd been on Mission: Space enough times to pull off a perfect mission by reaching over and pushing the buttons for the two missing crew members. (This is what NASA is planning to do if the sequester continues. Get it? Remember the ongoing sequester cuts? Read a newspaper!)

As an aside, I like all the do-nothing buttons and switches you can use; Katie didn't seem too amused by me going "Commence switch flipping" and then flipping a bunch of switches and then announcing "Switch flipping complete," but I was entertained.

DID I MENTION WE WERE AT EPCOT WHICH HAS THIS VERY PHOTOGENIC GLOBE

Ellen's World of Energy

This is the weirdest single attraction at Disney, I think, even more disorientating than the Enchanted Tiki Room. I'm not even really sure how to describe it; you go in and watch a little movie where Ellen is having a nightmare that she's losing a taping of Jeopardy all about energy to Jamie Lee Curtis, so she calls in Bill Nye the Science Guy (Bill! Bill! Bill! Bill!) to show her about energy. (This isn't the weird part yet.) Bill Nye takes her back to the Big Bang, and then he and Ellen get lost in the age of the dinosaurs, and this is where it turns into a ride and you see an anamatronic snake menacing anamatronic Ellen. There's like ten minutes of just going through a dinosaur ride, then you dive into a theater with giant wrap-around screens where, fun's over, Bill Nye is going to tell you about energy, and Ellen wins at Jeopardy, the end. This is so weird that you have to go on it once, but seeing it once in your life is probably enough.

After this we had dinner at the quick-service place at The Land whose name I already forgot. I got a giant turkey sandwich, which was surprisingly good. Akiko got Mongolian pork, I forgot what other Nick got, so I'm just going to go ahead and say food. (I'm almost certain it was food, although he can also subsist on handfuls of nuts and bolts like a cartoon robot.)

Near the exit of The Land is the Finding Nemo ride I already forgot the name of. 

This is a very quick re-telling of the Finding Nemo movie, and it has a trademark Disney song you will never, ever be able to forget at the end. Aside from this, honestly, the ride itself is a little overshadowed by the post-ride aquarium, where we saw to adorable manatees bumbling around the tank eating lettuce and smacking into each other. One only had one eye and one only had one flipper, and at one point they were circling each other for a solid minute. Manatees, you so crazy!

Mexican Ziggurat 

On Day 6, we ate inside the Mexican ziggurat (that is too a word, gmail; look it up!). This is a great spot for lunch; it's nice and cool and the lights are turned down way low. Last time we were here I forgot the names of what we ordered and had to look up the receipt, and this time I managed to top myself by both forgetting what we ordered and then losing the receipt. Thanks, Obumbler!!

Also, thanks for making it so hard to take a picture inside the ziggurat! 

Thanks to the Internet I was able to look it up. Katie got Pollo A Las Rajas, aka "grilled chicken breast served over red peppers, onion strips, cream sauce, and fresh cheese", aka, chicken. I got "Tacos de Carne", literally "meat tacos" - three steak tacos with chipotle pepper sauce, scallions, and technically avocado, but the avocado all fell off (also the title of my autobiography - The Avocado All Fell Off: The Nick Hammer Story). Apparently I really love steak tacos, because these were great. For desert we both got caramel ice cream, and I hate to sound like Donald Trump, but this was really great ice cream, the greatest ice cream, just spectacular.

There was only one thing left to do in the World Showcase, and that's at the America pavilion. I always thought it was a little weird that there's an American pavilion; I mean, I get that not all the Disney visitors are American, and the rest of Epcot is supposed to be universal or some guff, but come on, everything else is American. To be fair, there's not much that's as American as

The American Adventure (dramatic drum roll)

This is the theater show at the America pavilion at the World Showcase. It's a 22 minute movie about America narrated by noted Americans Ben Franklin and Mark Twain, discussing America and America's Adventure in Americaness. The screen is huge (76 feet!) and there's some neat effects - when the Stamp Act is imposed, a giant glowing version of it covers the screen - but what you really remember is the closing song, which you will never, ever be able to get out of your head, that starts:

America!

Spread your golden wings!

If you want to see if someone has ever been to Epcot without asking them, just walk up to them and sing those two lines. If they just look at you confused, they've never been; if they start cursing or attempting to choke you, they've definitely been on The American Adventure.

Anyway, this song plays over a montage of notable Americans in America doing American things since the 1950s, although they haven't yet had time to go back and remove Lance Armstrong from history. 

Next we had fast passes for Test Track. Test Track has gotten a minor update since I went on it last - you now design your own car as you wait in line, and it's judged in four categories (efficiency, power, handling, and mumble mumble). We made a purple sparkly Smart Car with solar panels and monster truck suspension that scored a 96 on Efficiency and was the day's third most efficient car, which I recognize is a weird thing to be absurdly proud of, but here we are.

Sadly, Test Track broke before we could get on, and we got a voucher to come back and ride it later. Thanks, Obama.

This was right next to where we ate dinner. I wanted to take a bite out of that cruise ship.

Garden Grill

I took this picture so I'd remember the menu and could transcript it, and then I realized I could just upload it! 

For dinner we ate at the Garden Grill, a rotating prix fixe restaurant with wandering Disney characters. All three of these were new to me. The restaurant rotates above The Land boat ride, and we rotated leisurely through the top of the desert set. We also met Chip, Dale (who kissed Katie's hand and only got away with it by shaking my hand and giving me a thumbs up), and Katie got her picture with Mickey Mouse himself:

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As for the food, it was even better than meeting Mickey. The first course was salad and rolls with maple butter (with the butter in the shape of the Epcot globe you guys!!!!!!!!!!!). The main course was four parts - turkey with "lemon caper sauce" (tasted nothing like lemons but was delicious) on top of stuffing; tilapa with roasted tomato and pepper compote (I have no idea what compote is); char-grilled filet of beef with red wine sauce (again, tasted nothing like red wine, but was delicious) on top of mashed potatoes.

My favorite was the beef, which I ate three out of four pieces of. The turkey was okay, and the tilapa - well, I tried it. It actually wasn't too fishy; it was just soft and fell apart in my mouth. I believe that some people refer to this as "melting in your mouth" and enjoy the sensation. I did not. Oh, and we also ate all the mashed potatoes and ordered extras, which we put the maple butter on. Oh my goodness.

Kids, I know I make it look cool, but don't smoke.

Oh, and desert! "Fresh-baked Harvest Skillet Cake" with vanilla ice cream. I'll admit I was not too pleased when I saw the raspberries baked into this. Happily, I overcame my inate berry hatred (Volume II of my autobiography is "Happily, I Overcame my Inate Berry Hatred: The Nick Hammer Story") and ate as much of this as I could without passing out (three bites). Great stuff.

HNGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

Test Track II

After stuffing ourselves, what really seemed like a good idea was going on Test Track. This time the ride didn't break. I think Test Track is probably the scariest ride I've ever been on; it starts out tame by being like "A car has to drive through a hot environment!" and you drive through heat lamps, but when it ramps up into the "responsiveness test" phase you start really zipping along, and the ride's finale is a 65 mile an hour zoom around a tilted outside track with no windshield. This is more exhilarating than scary; there's a reason that Test Track has the second longest wait times at Epcot, I guess.

Spaceship Earth

Finally, we went on Spaceship Earth (well, we went on it four times in two days; I'll just sum up one here). Spaceship Earth is the ride that's inside the iconic EPCOT globe.

Fun fact: It is illegal to visit EPCOT and not take a picture of the globe. When you leave, friendly security guards inspect your camera, and if there isn't a picture of the globe, one is added to your SD card.)

In this ride, you sit in a car and watch the history of communications technology, as narrated by Dame Judi Dench. Also, at the beginning your picture is taken, and on the way back down, you answer a few questions and get shown little stick people with your faces on them having a happy time in the future. It's cute, usually; the third time we went on I was missing chunks out of my head, so after the narrator was like "Here in the future, a robot will dress you!" I also hoped that robot would take me to the emergency room to address my gunshot wounds, but I mostly heard about how a virtual doctor would pick out salads for me to eat on the hover train. The fourth time, when we lived in a jet house in the country designing jet surfboards, my head just looked a little chewed. The future's looking bright!

Tomorrow: I don't even remember. I think yesterday was Animal Kingdom. Maybe that's where I got my head chewed on.

ALTHOUGH IT COULD ALSO HAVE BEEN CRUSHED UNDER THIS GIANT SPHERE

Disney 2013, Day Five

"Earful Tower" at Disney Studios. Yeah, I don't get it either.

This was our last day with the Webers, as they had to return to the distant past to help our prehistoric ancestors defeat the evil Lizardmen and ensure human civilization is born. We saw them off by going to Disney Hollywood Studios and then doing Star Tours a bunch.

STAR TOURS

This is the best ride at Disney Hollywood Studios and probably in the top five of all the rides in any park. You get on a star ship - actually a small theater-sized flight simulator - and before your ship can leave the hanger, Darth Vader appears and orders you to stop as there's a rebel spy on board, picked from the audience. (Katie was the rebel spy once and I was the time after that; you can get a T-shirt that says I AM THE REBEL SPY, which I'm pretty sure real spies don't go around wearing T-shirts advertising that fact. Maybe it's a good idea, though; nobody would suspect the guy wearing a T-shirt that says I AM A SPY, right? I think I got the idea for my next novel.)

What was I saying? Right, Star Tours. The old Star Tours was pretty cool, but the new version they put in is really awesome; the whole theater shakes and rocks around, and there's a huge 3D screen that shows where your ship is going. You visit two planets each trip - the first one is either Kashyyyk (home of the Wookies!!!), or Revenge of the Jedi-era Hoth. After the first planet, either Admiral Akbar or Yoda appears and tells 3PO, who's piloting the ship (it's a long story), to bring the spy to a certain location, and one hyperspace jump that pushes you back into your seat, you end up at Phantom Menace era Naboo (where you almost run over Jar Jar Binks) or Episode II era Coruscant. There's a weird continuity error here - if you get Hoth first, you're going back in time no matter which planet you get second. This is the kind of stuff you have to know when you're the rebel spy!

This is just a great ride - I think my favorite part is when you get Naboo as the second planet, and at the end you crash into a parked star-fighter so that the beak punches through the windshield and the robot who was repairing it falls off into the ship. 

THEN WE WENT ON STAR TOURS AGAIN AND IT WAS AWESOME

The second time through we got Hoth and Coruscant. As we were leaving Webs got cornered by a Imperial security officer who had noticed that we had been riding in the same transport as a known rebel spy. We were not allowed to leave until we'd endured the torture of some horrible puns (What does Darth Vader order at the Italian restaurant? Only One Cannoli!!!!!) 

We reluctantly peeled ourselves away from Star Tours and went to see the Muppets 3D Movie.

The Muppets 3D Movie

(checks notebook) This is a Muppets 3D movie. 

It's cute; the tone is set early on when Kermit promises "there will be no cheap 3D tricks!" and Fozzie overhears him and comes running to open a can full of springs that look like snakes at the audience's face. My favorite part is Statler and Waldorf anamatronics making wise ass remarks the entire time, although it gets a little grim when at the end Waldorf mentions they can't leave because they're bolted down. 

A CONVERSATION I OVERHEARD IN THE MEN'S ROOM

Kid: Dad. This is where you tinkle!!
Dad: Yes, I know. Thank you.
Kid: GO! GO! GO! GO! GO! GO!
*silence*
Kid: Dad, you're stinky!

Lunch at the ABC Commissary

This is a counter-service style eating location that's emblazoned with a ton of banners for ABC shows I know nothing about. (Does anybody here watch "Castle"? "Castle"? Anybody? No?). Akiko, Katie, and I all got the salad, which was pretty good. Katie picked all the edamame out and gave me her chicken. The chicken wasn't bad, but man, it was tough. The tough man it takes to prepare a tender chicken wasn't at work that day. Remember those ads? Anybody? 
(tumbleweed blows past)
Anyway, next we did the Great Movie Ride.

The Great Movie Ride

This is more like The OK Movie Ride. You get in a huge car and drive through a bunch of movies that Disney was able to get the rights to, like, umm, Public Enemy, Alien, Indiana Jones, some 30's musical I never heard of, and an imaginary one where Clint Eastwood and John Wayne were in the same movie. It's acceptable; at one point, your original guide is taken hostage by bank robbers, and one of them hijacks your ride vehicle and drives through Alien ("What in tarnation!") before trying to steal a gem from Indiana Jones and getting turned into a SPOOKY SKELETON OOOOOOOOOOOO. Then you go through the Wizard of Oz.

THEN WE WENT ON STAR TOURS AGAIN

This time we got Hoth and Coruscant again, but KATIE WAS THE REBEL SPY YOU GUYS, please don't tell anyone. Hey, what's the temperature inside a Tauntaun? Lukewarm!!!11

DID WE GO ON STAR TOURS AGAIN AFTER THAT????

We went on Star Tours again after that. I was the rebel spy. I made it out OK, thanks for asking; look forward to my upcoming autobiography. Co-written by a Wookie. (He did most of the chapters that are just angry yelling.)

And that's kind of it; there's not really much to do at Disney MGM outside of the rides we'd already done, and my feet hurt, and Katie got too much sun, and I got into an argument with a dog earlier and the dog was following us around the park looking for a chance to challenge me to a game of Magic the Gathering.*

* This did not happen. The dog actually wanted to play Yu-Gi-Oh!

Tomorrow, and also somehow yesterday since I'm going to combine reports again: EPCOT, and more shouting. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Disney 2013, Days 2 and 3

** TOTALLY REAL LEGAL DISCLAIMER **

Before reading this trip report, you must print, sign, and mail/fax the following waiver. I'm too lazy to implement a check for this This site operates on the honor system, so I will assume that everyone has done so before proceeding:

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2. I further hereby AGREE TO INDEMNIFY AND HOLD HARMLESS the RELEASEES from any loss, liability, damage, or costs, including court costs and attorneys' fees that Releases may incur due to my clicking of any links, no matter how tempting, even if the author is standing behind me chanting about the blue, shiny, candy like link that can't possibly hurt to click on because I really want to hear the song they play in the Enchanted Tiki Room.

Signed: ______________________________

With that out of the way, a quick formatting note:  Since we went to the Magic Kingdom on days 2 and 3, I'm going to combine them into one report. Day 2 we went without the Webers, and on Day 3 we carried them around in pokeballs that we threw whenever it was time to go on a ride. Instead of a straight narritive, I'm going to cover all the rides we went on (and I was going to say "all the restaurants we went to," but we only went to Liberty Tree Tavern, and I got the same thing every time [spoiler alert]).

I randomly took this picture while Katie was going to the bathroom in Rapunzel's tower. 

 Jungle Jingle Cruise

This used to be called the Jungle Cruise, but between Dec 1 and the 31st it's got a light Christmas theme. It's a boat ride, and quite honestly, this is one of those rides that's gotten a little long in the tooth; when you can go to Disney's Animal Kingdom and see a herd of real elephants, your tour guide cracking jokes about a plastic one isn't as impressive. The Christmas coat of paint is a nice touch, though.

Pirates of the Caribbean

Pirates has been given two minor touch ups; there's now some ethereal music at the scene where you see the pirates who all killed each other while digging up a chest of gold (this ride is a little PG-13), and the lights have been turned down to hide the aging animitronics (although the much newer Captain Jack Sparrow robots they added after the movie came out still look amazingly lifelike). Both of these are nice touches, but unfortunately can't cover for the ride's biggest problem: Idiots taking flash pictures. There's a reason that rides featuring lifelike robots take place in the dark. Still, I really like this ride; the attention to detail that makes a great ride is all over this one, from the real bottles floating the water next to the drunk robot pirate to the feeling of the whooshing air of a cannonball going through my hair (do not try this at home).

Eatin' at the Liberty Tree

This is the only sit-down place we go at the Magic Kingdom. It's themed like a Revolutionary-era tavern, admittedly one where they serve Angus burgers with bacon and mushrooms. (I got mine sans mushrooms - too chewy). Katie got a desert of baked peaches with vanilla ice cream on top she really liked. The only bad thing here is that the restaurant is sponsored by a fruit company who tries to sneak "Craisins(TM)" into some of the dishes. I'm not an expert, but I don't think that George Washington was eating a lot of Craisins(TM), and neither do I.

Haunted Mansion

Nothing's changed in the Haunted Mansion; It's still haunted. This ride was made over a few years ago and it's still pretty impressive, with the highlights being the scene where you look down into a ballroom where there's a giant ghost birthday party in progress and the big catchy musical number where the ghosts are having a party at the end. Like Pirates, there's detail everywhere you look, and also like Pirates, unfortunately there are idiots taking flash photographs. The only other thing to look out for is that at the end you go home with a ghost, and we got one who switched me and Katie's faces, and we had to go on the ride again to get them switched back.

It's A Small World

Was, unfortunately, closed for renovations. Katie says they're always moving stuff around in there. Hopefully it will re-open by the time we return, as otherwise I'll have no way of knowing if it's a world of laughter/a world of tears, and I certainly won't be aware there's so much that we share.

The Little Mermaid ~ Ariel's Undersea Adventure

Yes, that is the official name. This is a totally new ride about (checks name) The Little Mermaid. It's one of those rides where you climb into a giant clam (do not try this in real life), and then you go through a cute retelling of the Little Mermaid movie. Anamatronics have come a long way - Ariel looks great, and you have to really hate life not to smile when your giant clam that you're inside enters the "Under the Sea" room with a ton of dancing singing robot fish (in real life, if you find yourself inside a giant clam, do not wait for it to take you to a room where all kinds of undersea life are dancing and singing; you will probably just be digested). 

People Mover

I'm not sure if this is really even a ride; it's basically a monorail thing that takes you around the Tomorrowland section of the Magic Kingdom introducing the other rides and making horrible puns where they're looking for "Mister Tom Morrow". Still, it's a chance to sit down, and this is not something to be overlooked in the Florida sun.

Carousel of Progress

This is a endearingly goofy robot theater show where a robot who looks like Norm McDonald appears in 1900, 1920, 1940 and (jarringly) some time period near today where people have HDTVs, Laserdiscs, and Oculus Rifts. The message is nice enough, but what really stands out is the song that you will never, ever, ever be able to forget once you hear it: It's a great big beautiful to-mor-row, shining at the end of every dayyyy!

Originally I think only the first three scenes were part of the Carousel, with the last added after its run at the 1964 World's Fair, but to me the Carousel's lasting legacy is cornering my cat named Greg and serenading him with IT'S A GREG BIG BEAUTIFUL TOMORROW while he looks confused/scared. 

**K note---The 4th room is updated periodically to prevent the ride from becoming too dated**

The Train That Goes From The Entrance to Frontierland And Then Fantasyland And Then Back To the Beginning Again While A Narrator Who's Pretending To Be An Old Train Guy Keeps Saying Folksy Things

Again, I'm not sure this is even a ride, but we rode it all the way around the park. This is another chance to sit down and get out of the sun. Worryingly, while we were walking to Futureland on Day 3, someone on the train lost their wheelchair, which was left laying in the grass by the tracks, one wheel spinning forlornly. :(

Hall of Presidents Feat. The Resident in Thief Barack NObama 

I used up all the sarcastic nicknames for Obama last trip review (except for Oafbama), (and OBuma) so I don't have much to say about this. Wait, no, I did realize something! I figured out the reason that they include the entire Gettysburgh address isn't because it's a famous or influential speech; it's here because it's only about 270 words. Also, Katie told me that they used an extra Warren G Harding head from this ride as a stern-looking Egyptian guy in Spaceship Earth. The end.

Big Thunder Mountain

Yes, you read that right; me, the guy with the taste in rides of a 6 year old girl with an upset stomach and intense vertigo went on Big Thunder Mountain, a scary rollercoaster-type ride whose theme is that you're in a out of control train. I actually wasn't that scared, honestly. Most of my fear on a rollercoaster is a feeling that I'm going to come out of the car, but there's very little of that in Big Thunder Mountain; you go very fast on a curved track, but there's no big drops, and although the track is almost always tilted and at times quite heavily, you're in a sturdy cart I never felt like I was going to fall out of. It was fun, although I don't know if I feel the need to go on it more than once. 

The Enchanted Tiki Room

I honestly don't know why this attraction is still open. It's ludicrously, embarrassingly, and often entertainingly old and broken. Basically, you sit in a room and have an annoyingly catchy song sung at you (in the tiki-tiki-tiki-tiki-tiki room!), presented by a crew of birds who have ridiculous European accents, and the Spanish one talks about taking a siesta. Half the anamatronics don't work anymore, and about a third of the audience bolted into the hot Florida sun rather than sit through the show. If you visit, go on this once to say that you did, but unless you have a thing for busted 50's robots pretending to sing and play drums, you can skip this, I think.
This ride isn't beyond saving; they could start with fixing the anamatronics and updating the song to something closer to this this version; in searching for it, I've doomed myself to a lifetime of YouTube suggesting Hilary Duff songs. I don't use the word "hero" often, but I think it's at least mildly appropriate here. 

Misc. Notes

I should mention that after doing Big Thunder Mountain on Day 3, we got stuck on one side of the park by a parade. I may have mentioned this previously, but the biggest peril in the Magic Kingdom is a parade. I personally don't care for parades, although I will admit that seeing Stitch pretending to pedal a giant bicycle candy farting machine is mildly entertaining. Whatever you do, if you go to Disney and a dream comes true or you make a memory that lasts a lifetime, do not let anyone from Disney know about it; the resulting parade will cut me off from the Enchanted Tiki Room, which is really what's important here. 

Also, when we were entering the park on Day 3, there was an African guy standing there screaming "This is YOUR Kingdom!" at everyone passing by. I believe he was being paid for this. This is my dream job. "What do you do for a living?" "I stand on the Main Street of the Magic Kingdom and scream lies at people walking past." (awkward silence)

Finally - the most Magical thing about Disney is clean bathrooms. I know this probably sounds sarcastic, but how they keep so many bathrooms so clean is honestly impressive.

Day 4 is EPCOT, which is capitalized here both because it stands for Experimental Prototype Community of Tomorrow (an idea totally discarded to make a cool theme park), and because I like shouting. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Disney 2013, Day One

A VERY QUICK NOTE ABOUT THE TONE OF THESE RECAPS

I've heard that it can come off that I'm not enjoying myself on these trips. Nothing could be further from the truth; I'm not taking 10 days of time off and spending thousands of dollars to fly down to Disney every two years because I hate it. If it seems like I'm complaining, take it in the same spirit as my drunken heckling of the President Obama robot at the Hall of Presidents to show me the birth certificate.

A SECOND VERY QUICK NOTE MORE ABOUT THE CONTENT OF THESE RECAPS BUT I GUESS ALSO KIND OF THE TONE TOO, THE AUTHOR SHOUTED

We've already been to many of the rides and events that will be discussed here, and to keep things fresh and interesting, I've come up with a foolproof method to spice up the trip report: Making up a bunch of crazy shit. If you're interested to see what may have been exaggerated, check the end of the trip report, where I'll come clean to anything I can remember.

Now with that out of the way - It's that time again. Every two years myself and my partner in rhyme take a break from driving the converted schoolbus that we live in around middle schools performing inspirational rap numbers and edu-tational skits about how crack is whack to come spend a bunch of days in Disney. This year we're staying at the Wilderness Lodge, a resort that I believe is "deluxe" - one notch down from the top tier. Our room is very nice - one of these days I'll take a ton of pictures.
And that day is today!!! (Well, okay, no, it was various days throughout the vacation; today is the day I embed them with Blogger. Even still!!!)

The shower has mosaics of Bambi, Chip & Dale, and the Pocahontas raccoon. You guys.

Our balcony

The headboard

Whoa, wait, I guess I'm getting a little ahead of myself. Let me go back to the beginning: Nothing interesting happened in Albany. Try and contain your surprise.
Once we landed, we immediately began the proud Florida tradition of perspiring heavily. Disney has a service called Magical Express where your bags are checked directly through to your room, so all we had to do was get on a bus and perspire heavily until we arrived.

At check in we were presented with the vaunted "magic bands" - a wristwatchy little piece of plastic that does everything the old "key to the world" card used to. It's your room key, meal plan card, credit card, and I found out the hard way that it really has to be pressed right up against the reader as I stood outside our door doing karate poses and the door didn't open until I gave up and pushed the band right up on the reader. (Also, when we checked in, the front desk guy was like "Make sure you both use your magic band on the door. The Lodge has to know you're here!" So if we vanish, you'll know where we went. We are one with the Lodge now.)

what's in the box

I HAVE THE POWERRRRRRRRRR

We barely had time to check out the room (I took a bunch of those pictures on other days), because we had a 12:00 reservation at the Rainforest Cafe in Downtown Disney. Here comes my only actual complaint about Disney: The bus system sucks. You can be waiting for up to 20 minutes for a bus, in the hot sun, because for some reason there's very little shade and one bench for a bus-full of people. It's the only thing I don't like, and sure enough we ended up waiting 20 minutes in the sun with nowhere to sit and then had a 30 minute bus ride on top of that. Don't ask how I felt when they started playing a Creed song. *

Once we got to Rainforest Cafe, we were seated four feet away from a skeptical elephant who proceeded to watch us eat. Being that we were in the Rainforest Cafe, I oped for the exotic jungle dish known as chicken tenders. I also got the chicken stir fry - well, okay, I got the shrimp stir fry and asked for chicken instead. For desert we had mango sorbet, which was both very tasty and light enough so that I was able to move afterwards.

No, that's not creepy, elephant. You just keep staring at me eating these chicken fingers.

After a quick look through the stores, we were ready to leave, which meant it was time to contend with the buses again. At this point we'd sworn to avoid the buses whenever possible. Luckily, our resort has a boat launch that goes to the Magic Kingdom, from where we can catch the monorail to Epcot. Since our two most visited parks are Epcot and the Magic Kingdom, there's going to be a lot of complimentary boat rides in our future.

This is the boat launch. The boat on the left goes to the Magic Kingdom.

Here's a boat. Not the boat we were on, because we were on the boat we were on when we took this boat picture. Of the boat we weren't on. But it's like the boat we were on, which we were on.

After a rest for a couple hours we took a tour of the resort. We're at Wilderness Lodge, which is "inspired by turn-of-the-century National Park lodge" - kind of a generic, woodsy upstate or even Canadian feel.

There's a Christmas tree in the lobby that almost reaches the ceiling and I swear must be over 70 feet.

Left: It's so big I had trouble getting more than half of it in the frame.

Right: It's so big I couldn't hold the camera straight long enough to get an in focus picture! Just pretend it's vertigo.




There's a river that starts in the lobby, goes under several bridges, a waterfall, and then into the pool. There's even a fake geyser that erupts randomly. (Oh, and a beach. It makes no sense having a beach in the north woods, but there you go.) Here's a nice picture of the walkway back from the bus (it's nicer than it sounds, honest):

Wow! Such Christmas! So festiveness!

Our last venture of the day was taking the boat to the Magic Kingdom dock to meet two buddies of ours who are in Disney for a couple days, Sir Nicholas "Web Unit" Weber OBE, and his wife Lady Akiko "Keeks" Weber, a noted sculptor of collector-grade equestrian ceramics. They'll probably be making cameos until they grab rope ladders dangling from helicopters and leave the property on Tuesday.

Before bed, let's take a look at the cute towel animals we were left:

Alligator / Thing I used to wipe up a orange juice spill

Turtle / Disability fraud criminal

That's about all there is to report for day one. Tomorrow we're hitting the Magic Kingdom.

K.Ham Korner: Alliteration! People need to be way more cognizant of the crowd and not congregate smack dab in the only artery in or out of somewhere.  I can't believe we're finally here!

* As it turns out, we had great luck with the buses and more often than not waited less than 30 seconds, thus rendering that entire paragraph pointless. Whoops!

CORRECTIONS

- We do not live in a converted schoolbus. We live in a normal house with two stupid cats who are also secret agents when we're not looking.

- When I stated "We are one with the Lodge", this is not true. Not yet. We watch; we listen; we wait for the moment to strike; we use a little plastic wrist strap to unlock our door and make incidental purchases.

- Sir Weber is not actually a member of the Order of the British Empire. He is in fact an imaginary elf who feeds on tender feelings.