Disney 2013, Days Four and Six

We did EPCOT on days 4 and 6 - the 4th with the Webers, and the 6th after they returned to deep space cyro freeze. Epcot is divided into two halves; the back half is the World Showcase, which has a few rides but is mostly shops and restaurants from around the world.

New at the entrance: Topiaries! 

The front half is "Tomorrowland" where all the awesome rides are. As soon as we arrived, we hoofed it through Tomorrowland to the back. We were making a beeline for

NORVAY

Well, technically, we made a beeline for the boat ride called "Maelstrom," but it's in NORVAY, so we just refer to it like that. This ride has been upgraded since the first time I was at Disney - originally Odin's eye appeared literally as a disco ball with an eye painted on it, but it's now a neat effect where his single eye is a light shining out of a silkscreen painting of his face. The rest of the ride hasn't changed much, and I think Katie was getting a little annoyed - as anyone would - at my constant declarations of "Ve vould like to have som of your tourist dollars... in NORVAY," "This was the best camera ve could afford... in NORVAY" (during the post-ride movie), and sometimes just "NORVAY!".

The first time through we sat through the post-ride movie, which seems to have been filmed in the 1970s or so, and whose message is basically: Norvay, come spend some dollars. The framing device is a little kid looking at a viking boat, and at the end he touches it and fades away and I assume he died and became part of the ghost crew. NORVAY.

And here's Africa, which is in between China and Germany. Just like real life!

Teppan Edo

Teppan Edo is on the right. In the middle is the gift shop.

The last time I was at Teppan Edo, I found out I like raw tuna; this time I finally found an alcoholic drink that didn't offend my delicate taste buds. Apparently I like plum wine. I only had about a glass and a half, so the other Nick had to drink most of the rest. Like the previous two times we'd been here, the food was excellent, and I have to give big ups to the Webers for picking up the check. Do people still do that? Big ups? How about props? Raising the roof? Raise the ups. I don't know. It was great.

SOARIN'

If you've read any of the previous trip reports, you may remember that I broke out the rainbow font to attempt to convey the sheer awesomeness of Soarin', a task that I now conclude is hopeless. Just go on Soarin'. It's awesome. We were in Row 1, so we got lifted the highest into the air. You're basically fake hang gliding with a huge, wrap-around imax screen in front of you. Soarin' sums up Disney at is most successful: It feels more realistic than real life. I felt more like I was flying on Soarin' than I did when I was on the airplane down here. Soarin' feels like you're really - well - soaring, whereas the actual airplane feels like you're in a metal tube where your ears keep popping. I really can't say enough good things about Soarin'. Fuck!

The Land

Happy Terrifying Sand Creature Day!

Across a concourse from Soarin' is The Land, which is one of the most sedate experiences you can have at Epcot; You get in a boat and lazily float through an experimental greenhouse. I took about a billion pictures. Bwah hah ha ha ha!! (lightning strike)

The sign says "Breadfruit". How can it be bread AND fruit?!?!?!?!?!?

This isn't blurry, it was taken during a dream sequence.

PUMPKINS. We don't have THOSE at home. What else does that say, "Monkey Puzzle Tree"? That isn't a thing!

I don't remember what these plants are, but they're in focus. In Focus plants. Prove me wrong!

Well, I guess that was just four. Anyway, wake up - it's time for
Mission: Space

This is one of those great rides that never has a wait time. Gary Sinise puts you through fake astronaut training for the first manned mission to Mars. We always go on the green, less intense version - it doesn't sound scary until you're in the simulator and you're tilted all the way on your back and you're actually looking up the launch rail.

The first time we went we had the Webers with us, and we were unfortunately killed as we were put into hypersleep while still on the ground. (Do not try this at home). The second time it was just the two of us, and we'd been on Mission: Space enough times to pull off a perfect mission by reaching over and pushing the buttons for the two missing crew members. (This is what NASA is planning to do if the sequester continues. Get it? Remember the ongoing sequester cuts? Read a newspaper!)

As an aside, I like all the do-nothing buttons and switches you can use; Katie didn't seem too amused by me going "Commence switch flipping" and then flipping a bunch of switches and then announcing "Switch flipping complete," but I was entertained.

DID I MENTION WE WERE AT EPCOT WHICH HAS THIS VERY PHOTOGENIC GLOBE

Ellen's World of Energy

This is the weirdest single attraction at Disney, I think, even more disorientating than the Enchanted Tiki Room. I'm not even really sure how to describe it; you go in and watch a little movie where Ellen is having a nightmare that she's losing a taping of Jeopardy all about energy to Jamie Lee Curtis, so she calls in Bill Nye the Science Guy (Bill! Bill! Bill! Bill!) to show her about energy. (This isn't the weird part yet.) Bill Nye takes her back to the Big Bang, and then he and Ellen get lost in the age of the dinosaurs, and this is where it turns into a ride and you see an anamatronic snake menacing anamatronic Ellen. There's like ten minutes of just going through a dinosaur ride, then you dive into a theater with giant wrap-around screens where, fun's over, Bill Nye is going to tell you about energy, and Ellen wins at Jeopardy, the end. This is so weird that you have to go on it once, but seeing it once in your life is probably enough.

After this we had dinner at the quick-service place at The Land whose name I already forgot. I got a giant turkey sandwich, which was surprisingly good. Akiko got Mongolian pork, I forgot what other Nick got, so I'm just going to go ahead and say food. (I'm almost certain it was food, although he can also subsist on handfuls of nuts and bolts like a cartoon robot.)

Near the exit of The Land is the Finding Nemo ride I already forgot the name of. 

This is a very quick re-telling of the Finding Nemo movie, and it has a trademark Disney song you will never, ever be able to forget at the end. Aside from this, honestly, the ride itself is a little overshadowed by the post-ride aquarium, where we saw to adorable manatees bumbling around the tank eating lettuce and smacking into each other. One only had one eye and one only had one flipper, and at one point they were circling each other for a solid minute. Manatees, you so crazy!

Mexican Ziggurat 

On Day 6, we ate inside the Mexican ziggurat (that is too a word, gmail; look it up!). This is a great spot for lunch; it's nice and cool and the lights are turned down way low. Last time we were here I forgot the names of what we ordered and had to look up the receipt, and this time I managed to top myself by both forgetting what we ordered and then losing the receipt. Thanks, Obumbler!!

Also, thanks for making it so hard to take a picture inside the ziggurat! 

Thanks to the Internet I was able to look it up. Katie got Pollo A Las Rajas, aka "grilled chicken breast served over red peppers, onion strips, cream sauce, and fresh cheese", aka, chicken. I got "Tacos de Carne", literally "meat tacos" - three steak tacos with chipotle pepper sauce, scallions, and technically avocado, but the avocado all fell off (also the title of my autobiography - The Avocado All Fell Off: The Nick Hammer Story). Apparently I really love steak tacos, because these were great. For desert we both got caramel ice cream, and I hate to sound like Donald Trump, but this was really great ice cream, the greatest ice cream, just spectacular.

There was only one thing left to do in the World Showcase, and that's at the America pavilion. I always thought it was a little weird that there's an American pavilion; I mean, I get that not all the Disney visitors are American, and the rest of Epcot is supposed to be universal or some guff, but come on, everything else is American. To be fair, there's not much that's as American as

The American Adventure (dramatic drum roll)

This is the theater show at the America pavilion at the World Showcase. It's a 22 minute movie about America narrated by noted Americans Ben Franklin and Mark Twain, discussing America and America's Adventure in Americaness. The screen is huge (76 feet!) and there's some neat effects - when the Stamp Act is imposed, a giant glowing version of it covers the screen - but what you really remember is the closing song, which you will never, ever be able to get out of your head, that starts:

America!

Spread your golden wings!

If you want to see if someone has ever been to Epcot without asking them, just walk up to them and sing those two lines. If they just look at you confused, they've never been; if they start cursing or attempting to choke you, they've definitely been on The American Adventure.

Anyway, this song plays over a montage of notable Americans in America doing American things since the 1950s, although they haven't yet had time to go back and remove Lance Armstrong from history. 

Next we had fast passes for Test Track. Test Track has gotten a minor update since I went on it last - you now design your own car as you wait in line, and it's judged in four categories (efficiency, power, handling, and mumble mumble). We made a purple sparkly Smart Car with solar panels and monster truck suspension that scored a 96 on Efficiency and was the day's third most efficient car, which I recognize is a weird thing to be absurdly proud of, but here we are.

Sadly, Test Track broke before we could get on, and we got a voucher to come back and ride it later. Thanks, Obama.

This was right next to where we ate dinner. I wanted to take a bite out of that cruise ship.

Garden Grill

I took this picture so I'd remember the menu and could transcript it, and then I realized I could just upload it! 

For dinner we ate at the Garden Grill, a rotating prix fixe restaurant with wandering Disney characters. All three of these were new to me. The restaurant rotates above The Land boat ride, and we rotated leisurely through the top of the desert set. We also met Chip, Dale (who kissed Katie's hand and only got away with it by shaking my hand and giving me a thumbs up), and Katie got her picture with Mickey Mouse himself:

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As for the food, it was even better than meeting Mickey. The first course was salad and rolls with maple butter (with the butter in the shape of the Epcot globe you guys!!!!!!!!!!!). The main course was four parts - turkey with "lemon caper sauce" (tasted nothing like lemons but was delicious) on top of stuffing; tilapa with roasted tomato and pepper compote (I have no idea what compote is); char-grilled filet of beef with red wine sauce (again, tasted nothing like red wine, but was delicious) on top of mashed potatoes.

My favorite was the beef, which I ate three out of four pieces of. The turkey was okay, and the tilapa - well, I tried it. It actually wasn't too fishy; it was just soft and fell apart in my mouth. I believe that some people refer to this as "melting in your mouth" and enjoy the sensation. I did not. Oh, and we also ate all the mashed potatoes and ordered extras, which we put the maple butter on. Oh my goodness.

Kids, I know I make it look cool, but don't smoke.

Oh, and desert! "Fresh-baked Harvest Skillet Cake" with vanilla ice cream. I'll admit I was not too pleased when I saw the raspberries baked into this. Happily, I overcame my inate berry hatred (Volume II of my autobiography is "Happily, I Overcame my Inate Berry Hatred: The Nick Hammer Story") and ate as much of this as I could without passing out (three bites). Great stuff.

HNGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

Test Track II

After stuffing ourselves, what really seemed like a good idea was going on Test Track. This time the ride didn't break. I think Test Track is probably the scariest ride I've ever been on; it starts out tame by being like "A car has to drive through a hot environment!" and you drive through heat lamps, but when it ramps up into the "responsiveness test" phase you start really zipping along, and the ride's finale is a 65 mile an hour zoom around a tilted outside track with no windshield. This is more exhilarating than scary; there's a reason that Test Track has the second longest wait times at Epcot, I guess.

Spaceship Earth

Finally, we went on Spaceship Earth (well, we went on it four times in two days; I'll just sum up one here). Spaceship Earth is the ride that's inside the iconic EPCOT globe.

Fun fact: It is illegal to visit EPCOT and not take a picture of the globe. When you leave, friendly security guards inspect your camera, and if there isn't a picture of the globe, one is added to your SD card.)

In this ride, you sit in a car and watch the history of communications technology, as narrated by Dame Judi Dench. Also, at the beginning your picture is taken, and on the way back down, you answer a few questions and get shown little stick people with your faces on them having a happy time in the future. It's cute, usually; the third time we went on I was missing chunks out of my head, so after the narrator was like "Here in the future, a robot will dress you!" I also hoped that robot would take me to the emergency room to address my gunshot wounds, but I mostly heard about how a virtual doctor would pick out salads for me to eat on the hover train. The fourth time, when we lived in a jet house in the country designing jet surfboards, my head just looked a little chewed. The future's looking bright!

Tomorrow: I don't even remember. I think yesterday was Animal Kingdom. Maybe that's where I got my head chewed on.

ALTHOUGH IT COULD ALSO HAVE BEEN CRUSHED UNDER THIS GIANT SPHERE

Disney 2013, Day Five

"Earful Tower" at Disney Studios. Yeah, I don't get it either.

This was our last day with the Webers, as they had to return to the distant past to help our prehistoric ancestors defeat the evil Lizardmen and ensure human civilization is born. We saw them off by going to Disney Hollywood Studios and then doing Star Tours a bunch.

STAR TOURS

This is the best ride at Disney Hollywood Studios and probably in the top five of all the rides in any park. You get on a star ship - actually a small theater-sized flight simulator - and before your ship can leave the hanger, Darth Vader appears and orders you to stop as there's a rebel spy on board, picked from the audience. (Katie was the rebel spy once and I was the time after that; you can get a T-shirt that says I AM THE REBEL SPY, which I'm pretty sure real spies don't go around wearing T-shirts advertising that fact. Maybe it's a good idea, though; nobody would suspect the guy wearing a T-shirt that says I AM A SPY, right? I think I got the idea for my next novel.)

What was I saying? Right, Star Tours. The old Star Tours was pretty cool, but the new version they put in is really awesome; the whole theater shakes and rocks around, and there's a huge 3D screen that shows where your ship is going. You visit two planets each trip - the first one is either Kashyyyk (home of the Wookies!!!), or Revenge of the Jedi-era Hoth. After the first planet, either Admiral Akbar or Yoda appears and tells 3PO, who's piloting the ship (it's a long story), to bring the spy to a certain location, and one hyperspace jump that pushes you back into your seat, you end up at Phantom Menace era Naboo (where you almost run over Jar Jar Binks) or Episode II era Coruscant. There's a weird continuity error here - if you get Hoth first, you're going back in time no matter which planet you get second. This is the kind of stuff you have to know when you're the rebel spy!

This is just a great ride - I think my favorite part is when you get Naboo as the second planet, and at the end you crash into a parked star-fighter so that the beak punches through the windshield and the robot who was repairing it falls off into the ship. 

THEN WE WENT ON STAR TOURS AGAIN AND IT WAS AWESOME

The second time through we got Hoth and Coruscant. As we were leaving Webs got cornered by a Imperial security officer who had noticed that we had been riding in the same transport as a known rebel spy. We were not allowed to leave until we'd endured the torture of some horrible puns (What does Darth Vader order at the Italian restaurant? Only One Cannoli!!!!!) 

We reluctantly peeled ourselves away from Star Tours and went to see the Muppets 3D Movie.

The Muppets 3D Movie

(checks notebook) This is a Muppets 3D movie. 

It's cute; the tone is set early on when Kermit promises "there will be no cheap 3D tricks!" and Fozzie overhears him and comes running to open a can full of springs that look like snakes at the audience's face. My favorite part is Statler and Waldorf anamatronics making wise ass remarks the entire time, although it gets a little grim when at the end Waldorf mentions they can't leave because they're bolted down. 

A CONVERSATION I OVERHEARD IN THE MEN'S ROOM

Kid: Dad. This is where you tinkle!!
Dad: Yes, I know. Thank you.
Kid: GO! GO! GO! GO! GO! GO!
*silence*
Kid: Dad, you're stinky!

Lunch at the ABC Commissary

This is a counter-service style eating location that's emblazoned with a ton of banners for ABC shows I know nothing about. (Does anybody here watch "Castle"? "Castle"? Anybody? No?). Akiko, Katie, and I all got the salad, which was pretty good. Katie picked all the edamame out and gave me her chicken. The chicken wasn't bad, but man, it was tough. The tough man it takes to prepare a tender chicken wasn't at work that day. Remember those ads? Anybody? 
(tumbleweed blows past)
Anyway, next we did the Great Movie Ride.

The Great Movie Ride

This is more like The OK Movie Ride. You get in a huge car and drive through a bunch of movies that Disney was able to get the rights to, like, umm, Public Enemy, Alien, Indiana Jones, some 30's musical I never heard of, and an imaginary one where Clint Eastwood and John Wayne were in the same movie. It's acceptable; at one point, your original guide is taken hostage by bank robbers, and one of them hijacks your ride vehicle and drives through Alien ("What in tarnation!") before trying to steal a gem from Indiana Jones and getting turned into a SPOOKY SKELETON OOOOOOOOOOOO. Then you go through the Wizard of Oz.

THEN WE WENT ON STAR TOURS AGAIN

This time we got Hoth and Coruscant again, but KATIE WAS THE REBEL SPY YOU GUYS, please don't tell anyone. Hey, what's the temperature inside a Tauntaun? Lukewarm!!!11

DID WE GO ON STAR TOURS AGAIN AFTER THAT????

We went on Star Tours again after that. I was the rebel spy. I made it out OK, thanks for asking; look forward to my upcoming autobiography. Co-written by a Wookie. (He did most of the chapters that are just angry yelling.)

And that's kind of it; there's not really much to do at Disney MGM outside of the rides we'd already done, and my feet hurt, and Katie got too much sun, and I got into an argument with a dog earlier and the dog was following us around the park looking for a chance to challenge me to a game of Magic the Gathering.*

* This did not happen. The dog actually wanted to play Yu-Gi-Oh!

Tomorrow, and also somehow yesterday since I'm going to combine reports again: EPCOT, and more shouting. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Disney 2013, Days 2 and 3

** TOTALLY REAL LEGAL DISCLAIMER **

Before reading this trip report, you must print, sign, and mail/fax the following waiver. I'm too lazy to implement a check for this This site operates on the honor system, so I will assume that everyone has done so before proceeding:

1. In consideration for receiving permission to read this trip report,  I hereby RELEASE, WAIVE, DISCHARGE, AND COVENANT NOT TO SUE N. Ham (hereinafter referred to as RELEASEES) from any and all liability, claims, demands, actions, and causes of action whatsoever arising out of or related to getting one of countless impossible to forget Disney songs stuck in my head by clicking on any of the links included in this trip report.

2. I further hereby AGREE TO INDEMNIFY AND HOLD HARMLESS the RELEASEES from any loss, liability, damage, or costs, including court costs and attorneys' fees that Releases may incur due to my clicking of any links, no matter how tempting, even if the author is standing behind me chanting about the blue, shiny, candy like link that can't possibly hurt to click on because I really want to hear the song they play in the Enchanted Tiki Room.

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With that out of the way, a quick formatting note:  Since we went to the Magic Kingdom on days 2 and 3, I'm going to combine them into one report. Day 2 we went without the Webers, and on Day 3 we carried them around in pokeballs that we threw whenever it was time to go on a ride. Instead of a straight narritive, I'm going to cover all the rides we went on (and I was going to say "all the restaurants we went to," but we only went to Liberty Tree Tavern, and I got the same thing every time [spoiler alert]).

I randomly took this picture while Katie was going to the bathroom in Rapunzel's tower. 

 Jungle Jingle Cruise

This used to be called the Jungle Cruise, but between Dec 1 and the 31st it's got a light Christmas theme. It's a boat ride, and quite honestly, this is one of those rides that's gotten a little long in the tooth; when you can go to Disney's Animal Kingdom and see a herd of real elephants, your tour guide cracking jokes about a plastic one isn't as impressive. The Christmas coat of paint is a nice touch, though.

Pirates of the Caribbean

Pirates has been given two minor touch ups; there's now some ethereal music at the scene where you see the pirates who all killed each other while digging up a chest of gold (this ride is a little PG-13), and the lights have been turned down to hide the aging animitronics (although the much newer Captain Jack Sparrow robots they added after the movie came out still look amazingly lifelike). Both of these are nice touches, but unfortunately can't cover for the ride's biggest problem: Idiots taking flash pictures. There's a reason that rides featuring lifelike robots take place in the dark. Still, I really like this ride; the attention to detail that makes a great ride is all over this one, from the real bottles floating the water next to the drunk robot pirate to the feeling of the whooshing air of a cannonball going through my hair (do not try this at home).

Eatin' at the Liberty Tree

This is the only sit-down place we go at the Magic Kingdom. It's themed like a Revolutionary-era tavern, admittedly one where they serve Angus burgers with bacon and mushrooms. (I got mine sans mushrooms - too chewy). Katie got a desert of baked peaches with vanilla ice cream on top she really liked. The only bad thing here is that the restaurant is sponsored by a fruit company who tries to sneak "Craisins(TM)" into some of the dishes. I'm not an expert, but I don't think that George Washington was eating a lot of Craisins(TM), and neither do I.

Haunted Mansion

Nothing's changed in the Haunted Mansion; It's still haunted. This ride was made over a few years ago and it's still pretty impressive, with the highlights being the scene where you look down into a ballroom where there's a giant ghost birthday party in progress and the big catchy musical number where the ghosts are having a party at the end. Like Pirates, there's detail everywhere you look, and also like Pirates, unfortunately there are idiots taking flash photographs. The only other thing to look out for is that at the end you go home with a ghost, and we got one who switched me and Katie's faces, and we had to go on the ride again to get them switched back.

It's A Small World

Was, unfortunately, closed for renovations. Katie says they're always moving stuff around in there. Hopefully it will re-open by the time we return, as otherwise I'll have no way of knowing if it's a world of laughter/a world of tears, and I certainly won't be aware there's so much that we share.

The Little Mermaid ~ Ariel's Undersea Adventure

Yes, that is the official name. This is a totally new ride about (checks name) The Little Mermaid. It's one of those rides where you climb into a giant clam (do not try this in real life), and then you go through a cute retelling of the Little Mermaid movie. Anamatronics have come a long way - Ariel looks great, and you have to really hate life not to smile when your giant clam that you're inside enters the "Under the Sea" room with a ton of dancing singing robot fish (in real life, if you find yourself inside a giant clam, do not wait for it to take you to a room where all kinds of undersea life are dancing and singing; you will probably just be digested). 

People Mover

I'm not sure if this is really even a ride; it's basically a monorail thing that takes you around the Tomorrowland section of the Magic Kingdom introducing the other rides and making horrible puns where they're looking for "Mister Tom Morrow". Still, it's a chance to sit down, and this is not something to be overlooked in the Florida sun.

Carousel of Progress

This is a endearingly goofy robot theater show where a robot who looks like Norm McDonald appears in 1900, 1920, 1940 and (jarringly) some time period near today where people have HDTVs, Laserdiscs, and Oculus Rifts. The message is nice enough, but what really stands out is the song that you will never, ever, ever be able to forget once you hear it: It's a great big beautiful to-mor-row, shining at the end of every dayyyy!

Originally I think only the first three scenes were part of the Carousel, with the last added after its run at the 1964 World's Fair, but to me the Carousel's lasting legacy is cornering my cat named Greg and serenading him with IT'S A GREG BIG BEAUTIFUL TOMORROW while he looks confused/scared. 

**K note---The 4th room is updated periodically to prevent the ride from becoming too dated**

The Train That Goes From The Entrance to Frontierland And Then Fantasyland And Then Back To the Beginning Again While A Narrator Who's Pretending To Be An Old Train Guy Keeps Saying Folksy Things

Again, I'm not sure this is even a ride, but we rode it all the way around the park. This is another chance to sit down and get out of the sun. Worryingly, while we were walking to Futureland on Day 3, someone on the train lost their wheelchair, which was left laying in the grass by the tracks, one wheel spinning forlornly. :(

Hall of Presidents Feat. The Resident in Thief Barack NObama 

I used up all the sarcastic nicknames for Obama last trip review (except for Oafbama), (and OBuma) so I don't have much to say about this. Wait, no, I did realize something! I figured out the reason that they include the entire Gettysburgh address isn't because it's a famous or influential speech; it's here because it's only about 270 words. Also, Katie told me that they used an extra Warren G Harding head from this ride as a stern-looking Egyptian guy in Spaceship Earth. The end.

Big Thunder Mountain

Yes, you read that right; me, the guy with the taste in rides of a 6 year old girl with an upset stomach and intense vertigo went on Big Thunder Mountain, a scary rollercoaster-type ride whose theme is that you're in a out of control train. I actually wasn't that scared, honestly. Most of my fear on a rollercoaster is a feeling that I'm going to come out of the car, but there's very little of that in Big Thunder Mountain; you go very fast on a curved track, but there's no big drops, and although the track is almost always tilted and at times quite heavily, you're in a sturdy cart I never felt like I was going to fall out of. It was fun, although I don't know if I feel the need to go on it more than once. 

The Enchanted Tiki Room

I honestly don't know why this attraction is still open. It's ludicrously, embarrassingly, and often entertainingly old and broken. Basically, you sit in a room and have an annoyingly catchy song sung at you (in the tiki-tiki-tiki-tiki-tiki room!), presented by a crew of birds who have ridiculous European accents, and the Spanish one talks about taking a siesta. Half the anamatronics don't work anymore, and about a third of the audience bolted into the hot Florida sun rather than sit through the show. If you visit, go on this once to say that you did, but unless you have a thing for busted 50's robots pretending to sing and play drums, you can skip this, I think.
This ride isn't beyond saving; they could start with fixing the anamatronics and updating the song to something closer to this this version; in searching for it, I've doomed myself to a lifetime of YouTube suggesting Hilary Duff songs. I don't use the word "hero" often, but I think it's at least mildly appropriate here. 

Misc. Notes

I should mention that after doing Big Thunder Mountain on Day 3, we got stuck on one side of the park by a parade. I may have mentioned this previously, but the biggest peril in the Magic Kingdom is a parade. I personally don't care for parades, although I will admit that seeing Stitch pretending to pedal a giant bicycle candy farting machine is mildly entertaining. Whatever you do, if you go to Disney and a dream comes true or you make a memory that lasts a lifetime, do not let anyone from Disney know about it; the resulting parade will cut me off from the Enchanted Tiki Room, which is really what's important here. 

Also, when we were entering the park on Day 3, there was an African guy standing there screaming "This is YOUR Kingdom!" at everyone passing by. I believe he was being paid for this. This is my dream job. "What do you do for a living?" "I stand on the Main Street of the Magic Kingdom and scream lies at people walking past." (awkward silence)

Finally - the most Magical thing about Disney is clean bathrooms. I know this probably sounds sarcastic, but how they keep so many bathrooms so clean is honestly impressive.

Day 4 is EPCOT, which is capitalized here both because it stands for Experimental Prototype Community of Tomorrow (an idea totally discarded to make a cool theme park), and because I like shouting. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Disney 2013, Day One

A VERY QUICK NOTE ABOUT THE TONE OF THESE RECAPS

I've heard that it can come off that I'm not enjoying myself on these trips. Nothing could be further from the truth; I'm not taking 10 days of time off and spending thousands of dollars to fly down to Disney every two years because I hate it. If it seems like I'm complaining, take it in the same spirit as my drunken heckling of the President Obama robot at the Hall of Presidents to show me the birth certificate.

A SECOND VERY QUICK NOTE MORE ABOUT THE CONTENT OF THESE RECAPS BUT I GUESS ALSO KIND OF THE TONE TOO, THE AUTHOR SHOUTED

We've already been to many of the rides and events that will be discussed here, and to keep things fresh and interesting, I've come up with a foolproof method to spice up the trip report: Making up a bunch of crazy shit. If you're interested to see what may have been exaggerated, check the end of the trip report, where I'll come clean to anything I can remember.

Now with that out of the way - It's that time again. Every two years myself and my partner in rhyme take a break from driving the converted schoolbus that we live in around middle schools performing inspirational rap numbers and edu-tational skits about how crack is whack to come spend a bunch of days in Disney. This year we're staying at the Wilderness Lodge, a resort that I believe is "deluxe" - one notch down from the top tier. Our room is very nice - one of these days I'll take a ton of pictures.
And that day is today!!! (Well, okay, no, it was various days throughout the vacation; today is the day I embed them with Blogger. Even still!!!)

The shower has mosaics of Bambi, Chip & Dale, and the Pocahontas raccoon. You guys.

Our balcony

The headboard

Whoa, wait, I guess I'm getting a little ahead of myself. Let me go back to the beginning: Nothing interesting happened in Albany. Try and contain your surprise.
Once we landed, we immediately began the proud Florida tradition of perspiring heavily. Disney has a service called Magical Express where your bags are checked directly through to your room, so all we had to do was get on a bus and perspire heavily until we arrived.

At check in we were presented with the vaunted "magic bands" - a wristwatchy little piece of plastic that does everything the old "key to the world" card used to. It's your room key, meal plan card, credit card, and I found out the hard way that it really has to be pressed right up against the reader as I stood outside our door doing karate poses and the door didn't open until I gave up and pushed the band right up on the reader. (Also, when we checked in, the front desk guy was like "Make sure you both use your magic band on the door. The Lodge has to know you're here!" So if we vanish, you'll know where we went. We are one with the Lodge now.)

what's in the box

I HAVE THE POWERRRRRRRRRR

We barely had time to check out the room (I took a bunch of those pictures on other days), because we had a 12:00 reservation at the Rainforest Cafe in Downtown Disney. Here comes my only actual complaint about Disney: The bus system sucks. You can be waiting for up to 20 minutes for a bus, in the hot sun, because for some reason there's very little shade and one bench for a bus-full of people. It's the only thing I don't like, and sure enough we ended up waiting 20 minutes in the sun with nowhere to sit and then had a 30 minute bus ride on top of that. Don't ask how I felt when they started playing a Creed song. *

Once we got to Rainforest Cafe, we were seated four feet away from a skeptical elephant who proceeded to watch us eat. Being that we were in the Rainforest Cafe, I oped for the exotic jungle dish known as chicken tenders. I also got the chicken stir fry - well, okay, I got the shrimp stir fry and asked for chicken instead. For desert we had mango sorbet, which was both very tasty and light enough so that I was able to move afterwards.

No, that's not creepy, elephant. You just keep staring at me eating these chicken fingers.

After a quick look through the stores, we were ready to leave, which meant it was time to contend with the buses again. At this point we'd sworn to avoid the buses whenever possible. Luckily, our resort has a boat launch that goes to the Magic Kingdom, from where we can catch the monorail to Epcot. Since our two most visited parks are Epcot and the Magic Kingdom, there's going to be a lot of complimentary boat rides in our future.

This is the boat launch. The boat on the left goes to the Magic Kingdom.

Here's a boat. Not the boat we were on, because we were on the boat we were on when we took this boat picture. Of the boat we weren't on. But it's like the boat we were on, which we were on.

After a rest for a couple hours we took a tour of the resort. We're at Wilderness Lodge, which is "inspired by turn-of-the-century National Park lodge" - kind of a generic, woodsy upstate or even Canadian feel.

There's a Christmas tree in the lobby that almost reaches the ceiling and I swear must be over 70 feet.

Left: It's so big I had trouble getting more than half of it in the frame.

Right: It's so big I couldn't hold the camera straight long enough to get an in focus picture! Just pretend it's vertigo.




There's a river that starts in the lobby, goes under several bridges, a waterfall, and then into the pool. There's even a fake geyser that erupts randomly. (Oh, and a beach. It makes no sense having a beach in the north woods, but there you go.) Here's a nice picture of the walkway back from the bus (it's nicer than it sounds, honest):

Wow! Such Christmas! So festiveness!

Our last venture of the day was taking the boat to the Magic Kingdom dock to meet two buddies of ours who are in Disney for a couple days, Sir Nicholas "Web Unit" Weber OBE, and his wife Lady Akiko "Keeks" Weber, a noted sculptor of collector-grade equestrian ceramics. They'll probably be making cameos until they grab rope ladders dangling from helicopters and leave the property on Tuesday.

Before bed, let's take a look at the cute towel animals we were left:

Alligator / Thing I used to wipe up a orange juice spill

Turtle / Disability fraud criminal

That's about all there is to report for day one. Tomorrow we're hitting the Magic Kingdom.

K.Ham Korner: Alliteration! People need to be way more cognizant of the crowd and not congregate smack dab in the only artery in or out of somewhere.  I can't believe we're finally here!

* As it turns out, we had great luck with the buses and more often than not waited less than 30 seconds, thus rendering that entire paragraph pointless. Whoops!

CORRECTIONS

- We do not live in a converted schoolbus. We live in a normal house with two stupid cats who are also secret agents when we're not looking.

- When I stated "We are one with the Lodge", this is not true. Not yet. We watch; we listen; we wait for the moment to strike; we use a little plastic wrist strap to unlock our door and make incidental purchases.

- Sir Weber is not actually a member of the Order of the British Empire. He is in fact an imaginary elf who feeds on tender feelings. 

Disney 2013 Introduction

At the tail end of 2013 we went down to Disney for ten days at the Wilderness Lodge. This time we were both armed with cell phone cameras, and as a result there's a bunch of pictures to add to the report. This does mean it's going to take a little time to get each day's report ready, but hopefully the addition of photographs will more than make up for this. Stay tuned.

Disney 2011, Day 10

Exciting Things That Happened In Between the Last Report And Now
I realized that I could look at the receipt and figure out what we ate at the San Angel Inn.

Nick Hammer & The San Angel Inn Receipt

Tell me a book with that title wouldn't fly off the shelves. It would only have to be a page and a half long, too. Turns out that, ahem, I got the tiacoyo chilori, which I think is spelled wrong because nothing turns up when I google it, and Katie got the tostadas tinga. Tell us more, "Lil's Mommy" from Yahoo! answers, the least trustworthy source on the Internet:

Tinga is a basically a stewed pork dish, cooked with a chipotle sauce and most commonly served on tostadas--most common form of tinga. It's a meat dish that is slowly cooked in a spicy chile sauce and then served in a traditional food wrap such as a tostada, a tortilla or a taco shell. Typical ingredients include cubed pork shoulder or loin, chorizo sausage, tomatoes, chipotle chiles, onions, and garlic.

Okay - wake up, that part's over. Today we went back to the Magic Kingdom, as we had another lunch reservation at the Liberty Tree Tavern. But first, we rode It's A Small World again. Why did we ride it's a small world again? I don't know. However, I did find out that Katie knows all the words to the song - and it turns out there is an actual verse and not just an endless chorus. Take it away, Katie (just imagine a pink-skinned blonde muppet singing this):

It's a world of laughter
a world of tears
It's a world of hopes
and a world of fears
There's so much that we share
That it's time we're aware

(repeat chorus for 45 minutes)

And, you know, I hate to belabor this point, but is there nothing else stereotypically French they could have the dolls doing but showing you their underwear in a huge kick line? How about a guy in one of those striped shirts and a beret making a baguette or something? Or taking some of his six weeks of paid vacation? (Come to think of it, where's America? Huh.)

After that it was time for lunch.

An exhaustive report on our lunch at the Liberty Tree Tavern

It was good.

I got the same salad again, and it turns out the mystery dressing is balsamic strawberry (???) which was tasty, but I'm not sure if it's what we had the last time. Since I liked it and ate all my salad, Katie developed a theory that I "stealth like strawberries," which I'm sure means I'm going to have to try lots of strawberry-flavored stuff and continue to get in trouble for making faces and comments like "Ew," and "Yuck," and "Barf," and "Ew yuckbarf".

Then we went on the haunted mansion, which was still neat. At one point the ride got stuck for a few minutes. Did it get stuck because they were hauling off the guy taking a flash photograph every 15 seconds and dragging him into a side room where they beat him with billy clubs? I hope so.

Dear guy taking flash photographs every 15 seconds

Do you really think any of those pictures are going to come out??

Then I almost got The Game of Life Haunted Mansion Edition, but nobody wants to play Life with me because I always win. (As opposed to Monopoly, where I'm accused of "cheating" because I offer deals like I'll give you the one land you need for your monopoly if I never have to pay rent. I am the 1%! Deal with it, looters!)
Next we went on the country bear jamboree. Yes, really. What can I even say about the country bear jamboree? Well, none of the animatronics have been updated in what seems like 50 years, so if you want a bunch of hick stereotype drunk overweight rapist bears in ill-fitting overalls singing country music to you, you're in luck! I don't want to be mean, but this seems like the ride you go on after you get kicked out of the Hall of Presidents for yelling SHOW US THE BIRTH CERTIFICATE at robot Obama. (He doesn't have one; He's a robot.)
Next up we went on Pirates of the Caribbean. I know I said last time that this ride is pretty PG, but to the girl who was too afraid to ride it, if she's reading this: You look like you're about 15, I think you can handle it. Those skeletons and stuff aren't real. And if they are real, they can't get you. On second thought, scratch that; They are real, and they're hiding in your resort room right now aaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Last we stopped at the Enchanted Tiki Room, which would take home weirdest thing of the whole trip in a landslide if we hadn't just had anamatronic hick stereotype bears bleating 50 year old country music at us. But we did, so it's a close second. I do want to ask, though, why do the two talking toucans who introduce the ride to you have a southern and a British accent, respectively? On second thought, never mind; If we start wondering why the tropical birds inside the tiki room have stereotypical Mexican, French, German, and Irish voices, we're going to be here all day. Anyway, the tiki room is a big theater you sit in, and then a bunch of ethic anamatronic birds sing to you from the rafters. Then a bunch of plants, including the ones on the wall, sing. Then the totem poles start chanting, except they're so old only half of them have functioning mouths. If it sounds weird, I promise you, it's even weirder in person.
Then we took the boat back to the resort. That's it for our trip; Tonight we'll pack - I'm going to see if I can talk Katie into bringing home all the mini-shampoos and shower gels we've accumulated - and tomorrow it's back to Albany (yay, hooray, yay).

Tomorrow: Katie embraces her destiny as "She-Ra, Princess of Power" and sets off to do battle with the evil Hordak. Probably.

Next Vacation: Probably in 2013. We'll probably stay at the Wilderness Lodge. I'll bring along our book full of Disney pins so we can keep track of which ones we already have. (Disney's pin trading/collecting world is a dark place you may enter but never leave; I've avoided writing about it since we didn't go too crazy, but it may be covered next time.) We'll visit Harry Potter Land at Universal, if only so I don't get punched in the face by certain Harry Potter fans. Everyone will ride jet bikes and be clip art faces on top of stick figure heads. I'll have thought up a clever ending for my last trip report.

Credits

Writer:
Nick Hammer

Director:
Nick Hammer

Executive Producer:
Nick Hammer

Associate Producer:
Katie Hammer

Key grip:
The Sun

Wardrobe provided by Katie's Mom of Delmar

Special thanks:
Katie, because she demanded that she go first
My dad, for driving us to the airport, and also hopefully remembering to pick us up tomorrow
Southwest Airlines, the only airline out there with a sense of humor
"Phineas & Ferb" & "The Rachel Maddow Show", for being just about the only watchable things on TV
Our maid, for cleaning up our filthy messes and making cute towel sculptures
Everyone at work, who hopefully won't be too mad I took 2 weeks off at the launch of new learning management system, which is a coincidence, I promise
Whoever invented air conditioning, which I'm too lazy to look up
Everyone who actually read these trip reports (that means you!)

Filmed on location at Walt Disney World, Florida, the United States, Earth, Orion-Cygnus arm of the Milky Way, Local Galactic Group, Virgo Supercluster

Ownership of this motion picture is protected by copyright and other
applicable laws and any unauthorized duplication, distribution, or
exhibition of this motion picture could result in criminal prosecution
as well as civil liability.



Nick Hammer will return in

OUR NEXT VACATION
Whenever that is.

Disney 2011, Day 9

Exciting Things That Happened In Between the Last Report And Now
We ate the gingerbread shingle. I liked it; Gingerbread is normally pretty nasty, but this was about as good as gingerbread gets. And it had chocolate on the back, which is probably cheating.

Katie Hammer & The Residual Muscle Ache

Katie was still achin', so we decided to take it easy today and just go to Epcot for lunch. And maybe another ride on Spaceship Earth. This time we picked the options where our clip art faces were pasted on stick figures that had passive-aggressive doctors who called on wrist-mounted videophones to tell us to eat salads. Then we did the conga.
One weird thing I noticed about Spaceship Earth is that when you get to the top of the dome (18 stories!), there's a big Earth as Judi Dench is like "Look, it's Earth," except if you look in the right spot (far, far, far to the left, or to your right after the vehicle has spun around), there's a second full-sized Earth. I assume this has nothing to do with the 1994 series "Earth 2", and is probably just a backup Earth in case the one we're on right now gets blown up or something.

Then it was lunch time.

An important correction

Earlier trip reports referred to the huge stepped structure the Mexican world showcase is in as a pyramid; It is actually a ziggurat, or stepped pyramid. We ate inside this, which was really nice. Inside it's done up like a marketplace at night, complete with stars and lanterns, and right outside the plaza where we ate is the river you can ride the boat down if you go on the boat ride. There's also a smaller ziggurat in here for ambiance. It's a great atmosphere, and the only downside is that gringo tourists keep coming by to take photographs of it and you while you're eating.

Dad Eat Food

So what did we have at the San Angel? I almost got the tortilla soup, but it has cheese in it, so instead I got the Not Appearing On Any Online Menu I Can Find, which was I think a corn cake with pulled chicken on it? Whatever it it was, it was very tasty. Katie got... hmm.

Nick Hammer & The Curse of the Inaccurate Online Menus

Normally I can look up what we ate, but for some reason all the online versions of the San Angel Inn don't match up with what we actually had. Well, this is going to be interesting. Um, Katie had a uh, rolled-up pulled chicken thing, which was OK. For the entree we both got the chicken enchiladas. These were a little spicy - that's because I'm a spice wimp, not because they were over-spiced - and frankly I liked the appetizer better. This is a common problem I have; I'll want, say, a triple order of an appetizer I really like instead of an entree. Just look at the grilled chicken wonton tacos at Applebee's. Actually, don't - I'm gonna eat those.

For desert Katie got ginger ice cream, and I got Bavarian cream (I didn't ask why Bavarian cream is being served in Mexico). It's good - very, um, creamy. There was another flavor in there I couldn't identify (probably Bavaria), but I ate it all. Katie's caramel ice cream, however, has to take home the prize, as it's probably without hyperbole the best ice cream I've ever had. It kind of seemed like some kind of crazy creme brulee ice cream what with the caramel deposits inside. Here, I'm going to let Katie explain, in the recap version of pushing your wife up to the microphone:

There is Creme Brulee ice cream...Ben and Jerry's makes it.  The caramel ice cream had veins of caramel drizzly stuff in it.  I would remind more but Rachel Maddow is charming me away.

Caramel drizzly stuff, there you have it. Katie's muscle ache was acting up, so we headed back to the hotel. Hopefully, tomorrow she'll be up to a full day at one of the parks.

Tomorrow: General Zod escapes the Phantom Zone and comes to Earth, gaining the same powers as the son of Jor-El from the yellow rays of our sun.