We did EPCOT on days 4 and 6 - the 4th with the Webers, and the 6th
after they returned to deep space cyro freeze. Epcot is divided into
two halves; the back half is the World Showcase, which has a few rides
but is mostly shops and restaurants from around the world.
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| New at the entrance: Topiaries! |
The front
half is "Tomorrowland" where all the awesome rides are. As soon as we
arrived, we hoofed it through Tomorrowland to the back. We were making a beeline for
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| NORVAY |
Well, technically, we made a beeline for the boat ride called "Maelstrom," but it's in NORVAY, so we just refer to it like
that. This ride has been upgraded since the first time I was at Disney -
originally Odin's eye appeared literally as a disco ball with an eye
painted on it, but it's now a neat effect where his single eye is a
light shining out of a silkscreen painting of his face. The rest of the
ride hasn't changed much, and I think Katie was getting a little annoyed
- as anyone would - at my constant declarations of "Ve vould like to
have som of your tourist dollars... in NORVAY," "This was the best
camera ve could afford... in NORVAY" (during the post-ride movie), and
sometimes just "NORVAY!".
The first time through we sat through the post-ride movie, which
seems to have been filmed in the 1970s or so, and whose message is
basically: Norvay, come spend some dollars. The framing device is a
little kid looking at a viking boat, and at the end he touches it and
fades away and I assume he died and became part of the ghost crew.
NORVAY.
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| And here's Africa, which is in between China and Germany. Just like real life! |
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| Teppan Edo is on the right. In the middle is the gift shop. |
The last time I
was at Teppan Edo, I found out I like raw tuna; this time I finally
found an alcoholic drink that didn't offend my delicate taste buds.
Apparently I like plum wine. I only had about a glass and a half, so the
other Nick had to drink most of the rest. Like the previous two times
we'd been here, the food was excellent, and I have to give big ups to
the Webers for picking up the check. Do people still do that? Big ups?
How about props? Raising the roof? Raise the ups. I don't know. It was
great.
If you've read any
of the previous trip reports, you may remember that I broke out the
rainbow font to attempt to convey the sheer awesomeness of Soarin', a
task that I now conclude is hopeless. Just go on Soarin'. It's awesome.
We were in Row 1, so we got lifted the highest into the air. You're
basically fake hang gliding with a huge, wrap-around imax screen in
front of you. Soarin' sums up Disney at is most successful: It feels
more realistic than real life. I felt more like I was flying on Soarin'
than I did when I was on the airplane down here. Soarin' feels like
you're really - well - soaring, whereas the actual airplane feels like
you're in a metal tube where your ears keep popping. I really can't say
enough good things about Soarin'. Fuck!
The Land
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| Happy Terrifying Sand Creature Day! |
Across a concourse from Soarin' is The Land, which is one of the most sedate experiences you can have
at Epcot; You get in a boat and lazily float through an experimental
greenhouse. I took about a billion pictures. Bwah hah ha ha
ha!! (lightning strike)
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| The sign says "Breadfruit". How can it be bread AND fruit?!?!?!?!?!? |
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| This isn't blurry, it was taken during a dream sequence. |
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| PUMPKINS. We don't have THOSE at home. What else does that say, "Monkey Puzzle Tree"? That isn't a thing! |
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| I don't remember what these plants are, but they're in focus. In Focus plants. Prove me wrong! |
Well, I guess that was just four. Anyway, wake up - it's time for
Mission: Space
This is one
of those great rides that never has a wait time. Gary Sinise puts you
through fake astronaut training for the first manned mission to Mars. We
always go on the green, less intense version - it doesn't sound scary
until you're in the simulator and you're tilted all the way on your back
and you're actually looking up the launch rail.
The first time we went we had the Webers with us, and we were
unfortunately killed as we were put into hypersleep while still on the
ground. (Do not try this at home). The second time it was just the two
of us, and we'd been on Mission: Space enough times to pull off a
perfect mission by reaching over and pushing the buttons for the two
missing crew members. (This is what NASA is planning to do if the
sequester continues. Get it? Remember the ongoing sequester cuts? Read a
newspaper!)
As an aside, I like all the do-nothing buttons and switches you can
use; Katie didn't seem too amused by me going "Commence switch
flipping" and then flipping a bunch of switches and then announcing
"Switch flipping complete," but I was entertained.
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| DID I MENTION WE WERE AT EPCOT WHICH HAS THIS VERY PHOTOGENIC GLOBE |
This
is the weirdest single attraction at Disney, I think, even more
disorientating than the Enchanted Tiki Room. I'm not even really sure
how to describe it; you go in and watch a little movie where Ellen is
having a nightmare that she's losing a taping of Jeopardy all about
energy to Jamie Lee Curtis, so she calls in Bill Nye the Science Guy
(Bill! Bill! Bill! Bill!) to show her about energy. (This isn't the
weird part yet.) Bill Nye takes her back to the Big Bang, and then he
and Ellen get lost in the age of the dinosaurs, and this is where it
turns into a ride and you see an anamatronic snake menacing anamatronic
Ellen. There's like ten minutes of just going through a dinosaur ride,
then you dive into a theater with giant wrap-around screens where, fun's
over, Bill Nye is going to tell you about energy, and Ellen wins at
Jeopardy, the end. This is so weird that you have to go on it once, but
seeing it once in your life is probably enough.
After this we had dinner at the quick-service place
at The Land whose name I already forgot. I got a giant turkey sandwich,
which was surprisingly good. Akiko got Mongolian pork, I forgot what
other Nick got, so I'm just going to go ahead and say food. (I'm almost
certain it was food, although he can also subsist on handfuls of nuts and bolts like a cartoon robot.)
Near the exit of The Land is the Finding Nemo ride I already forgot the name of.
This
is a very quick re-telling of the Finding Nemo movie, and it has a
trademark Disney song you will never, ever be able to forget at the end.
Aside from this, honestly, the ride itself is a little overshadowed by
the post-ride aquarium, where we saw to adorable manatees bumbling
around the tank eating lettuce and smacking into each other. One only
had one eye and one only had one flipper, and at one point they were
circling each other for a solid minute. Manatees, you so crazy!
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| Mexican Ziggurat |
On Day 6, we ate inside the Mexican ziggurat
(that is too a word, gmail; look it up!). This is a great spot for
lunch; it's nice and cool and the lights are turned down way low. Last
time we were here I forgot the names of what we ordered and had to look
up the receipt, and this time I managed to top myself by both forgetting
what we ordered and then losing the receipt. Thanks, Obumbler!!
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| Also, thanks for making it so hard to take a picture inside the ziggurat! |
Thanks to the Internet I was able to look it up. Katie got Pollo A Las
Rajas, aka "grilled chicken breast served over red peppers, onion
strips, cream sauce, and fresh cheese", aka, chicken. I got "Tacos de
Carne", literally "meat tacos" - three steak tacos with chipotle pepper
sauce, scallions, and technically avocado, but the avocado all fell off
(also the title of my autobiography - The Avocado All Fell Off: The Nick
Hammer Story). Apparently I really love steak tacos, because these were
great. For desert we both got caramel ice cream, and I hate to sound
like Donald Trump, but this was really great ice cream, the greatest ice
cream, just spectacular.
There was only one thing left to do in the World
Showcase, and that's at the America pavilion. I always thought it was a
little weird that there's an American pavilion; I mean, I get that not
all the Disney visitors are American, and the rest of Epcot is supposed
to be universal or some guff, but come on, everything else is American.
To be fair, there's not much that's as American as
The American Adventure (dramatic drum roll)
This
is the theater show at the America pavilion at the World Showcase. It's
a 22 minute movie about America narrated by noted Americans Ben
Franklin and Mark Twain, discussing America and America's Adventure in
Americaness. The screen is huge (76 feet!) and there's some neat effects
- when the Stamp Act is imposed, a giant glowing version of it covers
the screen - but what you really remember is the closing song, which you
will never, ever be able to get out of your head, that starts:
America!
Spread your golden wings!
If
you want to see if someone has ever been to Epcot without asking them,
just walk up to them and sing those two lines. If they just look at you
confused, they've never been; if they start cursing or attempting to
choke you, they've definitely been on The American Adventure.
Anyway, this song plays over a montage of notable Americans in
America doing American things since the 1950s, although they haven't yet
had time to go back and remove Lance Armstrong from history.
Next we had fast passes for Test Track. Test Track has gotten
a minor update since I went on it last - you now design your own car as
you wait in line, and it's judged in four categories (efficiency,
power, handling, and mumble mumble). We made a purple sparkly Smart Car
with solar panels and monster truck suspension that scored a 96 on
Efficiency and was the day's third most efficient car, which I recognize
is a weird thing to be absurdly proud of, but here we are.
Sadly, Test Track broke before we could get on, and we got a voucher to come back and ride it later. Thanks, Obama.
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| This was right next to where we ate dinner. I wanted to take a bite out of that cruise ship. |
Garden Grill
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| I took this picture so I'd remember the menu and could transcript it, and then I realized I could just upload it! |
For
dinner we ate at the Garden Grill, a rotating prix fixe restaurant with
wandering Disney characters. All three of these were new to me. The
restaurant rotates above The Land boat ride, and we rotated leisurely
through the top of the desert set. We also met Chip, Dale (who kissed
Katie's hand and only got away with it by shaking my hand and giving me a
thumbs up), and Katie got her picture with Mickey Mouse himself:
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| !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
As for the food, it was even better than meeting Mickey. The first
course was salad and rolls with maple butter (with the butter in the
shape of the Epcot globe you guys!!!!!!!!!!!). The main course was four
parts - turkey with "lemon caper sauce" (tasted nothing like lemons but
was delicious) on top of stuffing; tilapa with roasted tomato and pepper
compote (I have no idea what compote is); char-grilled filet of beef
with red wine sauce (again, tasted nothing like red wine, but was
delicious) on top of mashed potatoes.
My favorite was the beef, which I ate three out of four pieces of.
The turkey was okay, and the tilapa - well, I tried it. It actually
wasn't too fishy; it was just soft and fell apart in my mouth. I believe
that some people refer to this as "melting in your mouth" and enjoy the
sensation. I did not. Oh, and we also ate all the mashed potatoes and
ordered extras, which we put the maple butter on. Oh my goodness.
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| Kids, I know I make it look cool, but don't smoke. |
Oh, and desert! "Fresh-baked Harvest Skillet Cake" with vanilla ice
cream. I'll admit I was not too pleased when I saw the raspberries
baked into this. Happily, I overcame my inate berry hatred (Volume II of
my autobiography is "Happily, I Overcame my Inate Berry Hatred: The
Nick Hammer Story") and ate as much of this as I could without passing
out (three bites). Great stuff.
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| HNGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG |
After stuffing ourselves, what really seemed like a good idea was going
on Test Track. This time the ride didn't break. I think Test Track is
probably the scariest ride I've ever been on; it starts out tame by
being like "A car has to drive through a hot environment!" and you drive
through heat lamps, but when it ramps up into the "responsiveness test"
phase you start really zipping along, and the ride's finale is a 65
mile an hour zoom around a tilted outside track with no windshield. This
is more exhilarating than scary; there's a reason that Test Track has
the second longest wait times at Epcot, I guess.
Finally, we
went on Spaceship Earth (well, we went on it four times in two days;
I'll just sum up one here). Spaceship Earth is the ride that's inside
the iconic EPCOT globe.
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| Fun fact: It is illegal to visit EPCOT and not take a picture of the globe. When you leave, friendly security guards inspect your camera, and if there isn't a picture of the globe, one is added to your SD card.) |
In this ride, you sit in a car and watch the history of
communications technology, as narrated by Dame Judi Dench. Also, at the
beginning your picture is taken, and on the way back down, you answer a
few questions and get shown little stick people with your faces on them
having a happy time in the future. It's cute, usually; the third time we
went on I was missing chunks out of my head, so after the narrator was
like "Here in the future, a robot will dress you!" I also hoped that
robot would take me to the emergency room to address my gunshot wounds,
but I mostly heard about how a virtual doctor would pick out salads for
me to eat on the hover train. The fourth time, when we lived in a jet
house in the country designing jet surfboards, my head just looked a
little chewed. The future's looking bright!
Tomorrow: I don't even remember. I think yesterday was Animal Kingdom. Maybe that's where I got my head chewed on.
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| ALTHOUGH IT COULD ALSO HAVE BEEN CRUSHED UNDER THIS GIANT SPHERE |
