Disney 2013, Days Four and Six

We did EPCOT on days 4 and 6 - the 4th with the Webers, and the 6th after they returned to deep space cyro freeze. Epcot is divided into two halves; the back half is the World Showcase, which has a few rides but is mostly shops and restaurants from around the world.

New at the entrance: Topiaries! 

The front half is "Tomorrowland" where all the awesome rides are. As soon as we arrived, we hoofed it through Tomorrowland to the back. We were making a beeline for

NORVAY

Well, technically, we made a beeline for the boat ride called "Maelstrom," but it's in NORVAY, so we just refer to it like that. This ride has been upgraded since the first time I was at Disney - originally Odin's eye appeared literally as a disco ball with an eye painted on it, but it's now a neat effect where his single eye is a light shining out of a silkscreen painting of his face. The rest of the ride hasn't changed much, and I think Katie was getting a little annoyed - as anyone would - at my constant declarations of "Ve vould like to have som of your tourist dollars... in NORVAY," "This was the best camera ve could afford... in NORVAY" (during the post-ride movie), and sometimes just "NORVAY!".

The first time through we sat through the post-ride movie, which seems to have been filmed in the 1970s or so, and whose message is basically: Norvay, come spend some dollars. The framing device is a little kid looking at a viking boat, and at the end he touches it and fades away and I assume he died and became part of the ghost crew. NORVAY.

And here's Africa, which is in between China and Germany. Just like real life!

Teppan Edo

Teppan Edo is on the right. In the middle is the gift shop.

The last time I was at Teppan Edo, I found out I like raw tuna; this time I finally found an alcoholic drink that didn't offend my delicate taste buds. Apparently I like plum wine. I only had about a glass and a half, so the other Nick had to drink most of the rest. Like the previous two times we'd been here, the food was excellent, and I have to give big ups to the Webers for picking up the check. Do people still do that? Big ups? How about props? Raising the roof? Raise the ups. I don't know. It was great.

SOARIN'

If you've read any of the previous trip reports, you may remember that I broke out the rainbow font to attempt to convey the sheer awesomeness of Soarin', a task that I now conclude is hopeless. Just go on Soarin'. It's awesome. We were in Row 1, so we got lifted the highest into the air. You're basically fake hang gliding with a huge, wrap-around imax screen in front of you. Soarin' sums up Disney at is most successful: It feels more realistic than real life. I felt more like I was flying on Soarin' than I did when I was on the airplane down here. Soarin' feels like you're really - well - soaring, whereas the actual airplane feels like you're in a metal tube where your ears keep popping. I really can't say enough good things about Soarin'. Fuck!

The Land

Happy Terrifying Sand Creature Day!

Across a concourse from Soarin' is The Land, which is one of the most sedate experiences you can have at Epcot; You get in a boat and lazily float through an experimental greenhouse. I took about a billion pictures. Bwah hah ha ha ha!! (lightning strike)

The sign says "Breadfruit". How can it be bread AND fruit?!?!?!?!?!?

This isn't blurry, it was taken during a dream sequence.

PUMPKINS. We don't have THOSE at home. What else does that say, "Monkey Puzzle Tree"? That isn't a thing!

I don't remember what these plants are, but they're in focus. In Focus plants. Prove me wrong!

Well, I guess that was just four. Anyway, wake up - it's time for
Mission: Space

This is one of those great rides that never has a wait time. Gary Sinise puts you through fake astronaut training for the first manned mission to Mars. We always go on the green, less intense version - it doesn't sound scary until you're in the simulator and you're tilted all the way on your back and you're actually looking up the launch rail.

The first time we went we had the Webers with us, and we were unfortunately killed as we were put into hypersleep while still on the ground. (Do not try this at home). The second time it was just the two of us, and we'd been on Mission: Space enough times to pull off a perfect mission by reaching over and pushing the buttons for the two missing crew members. (This is what NASA is planning to do if the sequester continues. Get it? Remember the ongoing sequester cuts? Read a newspaper!)

As an aside, I like all the do-nothing buttons and switches you can use; Katie didn't seem too amused by me going "Commence switch flipping" and then flipping a bunch of switches and then announcing "Switch flipping complete," but I was entertained.

DID I MENTION WE WERE AT EPCOT WHICH HAS THIS VERY PHOTOGENIC GLOBE

Ellen's World of Energy

This is the weirdest single attraction at Disney, I think, even more disorientating than the Enchanted Tiki Room. I'm not even really sure how to describe it; you go in and watch a little movie where Ellen is having a nightmare that she's losing a taping of Jeopardy all about energy to Jamie Lee Curtis, so she calls in Bill Nye the Science Guy (Bill! Bill! Bill! Bill!) to show her about energy. (This isn't the weird part yet.) Bill Nye takes her back to the Big Bang, and then he and Ellen get lost in the age of the dinosaurs, and this is where it turns into a ride and you see an anamatronic snake menacing anamatronic Ellen. There's like ten minutes of just going through a dinosaur ride, then you dive into a theater with giant wrap-around screens where, fun's over, Bill Nye is going to tell you about energy, and Ellen wins at Jeopardy, the end. This is so weird that you have to go on it once, but seeing it once in your life is probably enough.

After this we had dinner at the quick-service place at The Land whose name I already forgot. I got a giant turkey sandwich, which was surprisingly good. Akiko got Mongolian pork, I forgot what other Nick got, so I'm just going to go ahead and say food. (I'm almost certain it was food, although he can also subsist on handfuls of nuts and bolts like a cartoon robot.)

Near the exit of The Land is the Finding Nemo ride I already forgot the name of. 

This is a very quick re-telling of the Finding Nemo movie, and it has a trademark Disney song you will never, ever be able to forget at the end. Aside from this, honestly, the ride itself is a little overshadowed by the post-ride aquarium, where we saw to adorable manatees bumbling around the tank eating lettuce and smacking into each other. One only had one eye and one only had one flipper, and at one point they were circling each other for a solid minute. Manatees, you so crazy!

Mexican Ziggurat 

On Day 6, we ate inside the Mexican ziggurat (that is too a word, gmail; look it up!). This is a great spot for lunch; it's nice and cool and the lights are turned down way low. Last time we were here I forgot the names of what we ordered and had to look up the receipt, and this time I managed to top myself by both forgetting what we ordered and then losing the receipt. Thanks, Obumbler!!

Also, thanks for making it so hard to take a picture inside the ziggurat! 

Thanks to the Internet I was able to look it up. Katie got Pollo A Las Rajas, aka "grilled chicken breast served over red peppers, onion strips, cream sauce, and fresh cheese", aka, chicken. I got "Tacos de Carne", literally "meat tacos" - three steak tacos with chipotle pepper sauce, scallions, and technically avocado, but the avocado all fell off (also the title of my autobiography - The Avocado All Fell Off: The Nick Hammer Story). Apparently I really love steak tacos, because these were great. For desert we both got caramel ice cream, and I hate to sound like Donald Trump, but this was really great ice cream, the greatest ice cream, just spectacular.

There was only one thing left to do in the World Showcase, and that's at the America pavilion. I always thought it was a little weird that there's an American pavilion; I mean, I get that not all the Disney visitors are American, and the rest of Epcot is supposed to be universal or some guff, but come on, everything else is American. To be fair, there's not much that's as American as

The American Adventure (dramatic drum roll)

This is the theater show at the America pavilion at the World Showcase. It's a 22 minute movie about America narrated by noted Americans Ben Franklin and Mark Twain, discussing America and America's Adventure in Americaness. The screen is huge (76 feet!) and there's some neat effects - when the Stamp Act is imposed, a giant glowing version of it covers the screen - but what you really remember is the closing song, which you will never, ever be able to get out of your head, that starts:

America!

Spread your golden wings!

If you want to see if someone has ever been to Epcot without asking them, just walk up to them and sing those two lines. If they just look at you confused, they've never been; if they start cursing or attempting to choke you, they've definitely been on The American Adventure.

Anyway, this song plays over a montage of notable Americans in America doing American things since the 1950s, although they haven't yet had time to go back and remove Lance Armstrong from history. 

Next we had fast passes for Test Track. Test Track has gotten a minor update since I went on it last - you now design your own car as you wait in line, and it's judged in four categories (efficiency, power, handling, and mumble mumble). We made a purple sparkly Smart Car with solar panels and monster truck suspension that scored a 96 on Efficiency and was the day's third most efficient car, which I recognize is a weird thing to be absurdly proud of, but here we are.

Sadly, Test Track broke before we could get on, and we got a voucher to come back and ride it later. Thanks, Obama.

This was right next to where we ate dinner. I wanted to take a bite out of that cruise ship.

Garden Grill

I took this picture so I'd remember the menu and could transcript it, and then I realized I could just upload it! 

For dinner we ate at the Garden Grill, a rotating prix fixe restaurant with wandering Disney characters. All three of these were new to me. The restaurant rotates above The Land boat ride, and we rotated leisurely through the top of the desert set. We also met Chip, Dale (who kissed Katie's hand and only got away with it by shaking my hand and giving me a thumbs up), and Katie got her picture with Mickey Mouse himself:

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As for the food, it was even better than meeting Mickey. The first course was salad and rolls with maple butter (with the butter in the shape of the Epcot globe you guys!!!!!!!!!!!). The main course was four parts - turkey with "lemon caper sauce" (tasted nothing like lemons but was delicious) on top of stuffing; tilapa with roasted tomato and pepper compote (I have no idea what compote is); char-grilled filet of beef with red wine sauce (again, tasted nothing like red wine, but was delicious) on top of mashed potatoes.

My favorite was the beef, which I ate three out of four pieces of. The turkey was okay, and the tilapa - well, I tried it. It actually wasn't too fishy; it was just soft and fell apart in my mouth. I believe that some people refer to this as "melting in your mouth" and enjoy the sensation. I did not. Oh, and we also ate all the mashed potatoes and ordered extras, which we put the maple butter on. Oh my goodness.

Kids, I know I make it look cool, but don't smoke.

Oh, and desert! "Fresh-baked Harvest Skillet Cake" with vanilla ice cream. I'll admit I was not too pleased when I saw the raspberries baked into this. Happily, I overcame my inate berry hatred (Volume II of my autobiography is "Happily, I Overcame my Inate Berry Hatred: The Nick Hammer Story") and ate as much of this as I could without passing out (three bites). Great stuff.

HNGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

Test Track II

After stuffing ourselves, what really seemed like a good idea was going on Test Track. This time the ride didn't break. I think Test Track is probably the scariest ride I've ever been on; it starts out tame by being like "A car has to drive through a hot environment!" and you drive through heat lamps, but when it ramps up into the "responsiveness test" phase you start really zipping along, and the ride's finale is a 65 mile an hour zoom around a tilted outside track with no windshield. This is more exhilarating than scary; there's a reason that Test Track has the second longest wait times at Epcot, I guess.

Spaceship Earth

Finally, we went on Spaceship Earth (well, we went on it four times in two days; I'll just sum up one here). Spaceship Earth is the ride that's inside the iconic EPCOT globe.

Fun fact: It is illegal to visit EPCOT and not take a picture of the globe. When you leave, friendly security guards inspect your camera, and if there isn't a picture of the globe, one is added to your SD card.)

In this ride, you sit in a car and watch the history of communications technology, as narrated by Dame Judi Dench. Also, at the beginning your picture is taken, and on the way back down, you answer a few questions and get shown little stick people with your faces on them having a happy time in the future. It's cute, usually; the third time we went on I was missing chunks out of my head, so after the narrator was like "Here in the future, a robot will dress you!" I also hoped that robot would take me to the emergency room to address my gunshot wounds, but I mostly heard about how a virtual doctor would pick out salads for me to eat on the hover train. The fourth time, when we lived in a jet house in the country designing jet surfboards, my head just looked a little chewed. The future's looking bright!

Tomorrow: I don't even remember. I think yesterday was Animal Kingdom. Maybe that's where I got my head chewed on.

ALTHOUGH IT COULD ALSO HAVE BEEN CRUSHED UNDER THIS GIANT SPHERE