Disney 2011, Day 3

Exciting Things That Happened In Between the Last Report And Now
A pirate boat sailed into the bay outside our room, "kidnapping" several children to take on a pirate tour of the lagoon. It was cute.

Today's the Magic Kingdom. I like the Magic Kingdom, even though Disney squashed my own idea for my own themepark, Dalt Wisney's Kagic Mingdom, where the idea is that you come in and sit in a waiting room, and then I give you a magical sack full of aromatherapy herbs to smell, except it's really airplane glue, and once you're tripping, I place you in a room with a disco ball and some experimental electronic music playing on a loop while I take all your money, and also, to legally cover myself, I put you in a T-shirt that says "I love Nickelback and waive all legal right to sue", and if you complain, first I'd blackmail you by threatening to reveal that you like Nickleback, and if you sue anyway, your shirt is an iron clad legal contract. *

* Note from the author's attorney: Absolutely none of the preceding paragraph is true, except probably "I like the Magic Kingdom".

A digression about the tone of these trip reports to hopefully make you forget the fact that I just suggested a theme park where people are tricked into sniffing glue while I rob them

I hope nobody's getting the idea that I'm not enjoying this trip; I'm just a natural smartass. Let's try the trip report without any jokes or me suggesting getting people to sniff glue and then robbing them:

Today we went to Teppan Edo. I ate raw tuna for the first time. It was good. Katie and I got chicken. It was tasty. Then we went on Captain Eo. I liked seeing 1986 Micheal Jackson agazzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

In which we leave for the magic kingdom and forget our phone, which we need because it has the incredibly handy Disney Mobile Magic app on it, which you can use to make reservations and check wait times

Then, we left for the magic kingdom and forget our phone, which we need because it has the incredibly handy Disney Mobile Magic app on it, which you can use to make reservations and check wait times. So we went back and got it. This was actually pretty easy; We just rode the monorail in a loop (it goes Polynesian, Grand Floridian, Contemporary, Magic Kingdom, Polynesian, Grand Floridian...) Since we came all the way back to our room anyway, we decided to the boat launch to the magic kingdom which, oh yeah, is only 50 feet from our front door. So we took the boat, which was nice. When we got to the Magic Kingdom, the first thing we did was go on the train, which is about a 20 minute ride that took us all around the park and back to the entrance. While doing this, Katie figured out that she can use her PHONE to make a reservation at any restaurant in the magic kingdom with an opening without having to call anyone have you ever heard of such a thing. So we made a 2:45 for Liberty Tree Tavern, which we'd eaten at before.

Now it was time for rides. First we went on Pirates of the Caribbean, which I think is our most gone-on ride, and doesn't show any signs of being topped. This is a great ride, but I'd like to remind parents that it's pretty PG - this is definitely the ride with the highest body count. They went back and added Jack Sparrow to the ride, and I don't know if it's because he's newer than everyone else or because they spent a lot of time modeling him, but he looks great, to the point where you'd swear it's an actor and not a robot. The fact that the ride takes place in the dark helps (aside from when dumbasses are taking flash photographs).

One of the times I have laughed the hardest at Disney

Katie and I are heading towards the haunted mansion. A staff member walking past us stops, looks around conspiratorially, and whispers in a worried hush: "I wouldn't go in there. It's haunted"

And it is. The haunted mansion was overhauled a few years ago, and it's great. Even the line to get in is neat; You go through a graveyard full of neat little toys to play with - a wall etched with musical instruments that make a symphony when you touch them, a book-case with books shooting out you can push back in. The ride itself is charmingly goofy, trying to scare you with impressive special effects while also making horrid jokes about how the library is full of - wait for it - GHOST writers HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA ugh. At the end, a ghost wants to go home with you, and we got a goof on the top of our car who used a magic wand to give us ghost faces. And he's going to haunt us until we return to the haunted mansion. But then we'll get another ghost on the way out, I'm sure. That's how they get you.

Now it was time for (big fanfare)

The Hall of Presidents featuring our Kenyan In Chief, Barry Obamao

This is neat. You have a little movie about America, then you see all the presidents on-stage together. Once again, I have to give a lot of credit for the amazing anamatronic work here. Lincoln over-emotes a little while reciting the Gettysburg Address, but by the time the curtain rises on all the Presidents on stage, you'll have to have eagle eyes to spot that they're robots. The presidents even have idle animations; Some of them at the front look around the stage, and Obama follows each president as he's introduced. Then he gives a nice little speech about America. Also, they introduce each president, and I booed Franklin Pierce, a notorious "doughface", or Northerner in favor of slavery, and probably our nation's worst president. The more you know ~☆

On the way out Obumbler confiscated my not going on "It's a small world" and re-distributed it to his inner-city union thug supporters, so we had to go on "It's a small world". You probably already know about this ride. Whatever you're imagining, I assure you, is no match for the reality. You take a lazy river boat ride through seven continents while intensely creepy child dolls sing at you. What do they sing? This:

It's a small world after all
It's a small world after all
It's a small world after all
It's a small, small world!

(two second pause)

It's a small world after all...

I don't know, the amount of craftsmanship evident is impressive; There's a bunch of rooms, and they're all huge, with big high ceilings, and everywhere you look there's something: Dancing singing dolls, singing dolls floating from baloons, singing dolls standing on the moon, the sun dancing, the sphinx nodding her head looking half asleep. But I just find it creepy. Many it's the many, many, many times you're invited to look up the skirts of foot-tall child dolls. France is represented by a big semicircle of female dolls holding their skirts up while they kick, and that's how the ride starts out. Seven continents later and it ends with a dutch girl floating from a balloon, wearing a skirt, with the entire inside done in gold glitter. Can we get these kids some pants?? I don't know. If you come down to Disney, you owe it to yourself to go on this ride, and if you don't, I'm going to tell these dolls where you live.

Then we ate lunch

Lunch was at the Liberty Tree Tavern. Katie and I both had the salad. She had hers with garlic buttermilk dressing. Mine was with "Tavern-made dressing", and I dunno what it was, but it was delicious. It was nice and sweet, I think it had molasses in it. After that I had a burger and Katie had a veggie burger. This was good too, but I'm glad I saved room for desert, which was "Ooey Gooey Toffee Cake", which is totally worth the embarrassment of asking for ooey gooey cake. It's a big scoop of vanilla ice cream with crushed heath bar dust on top of a light piece of cake filled with toffee filling and caramel sauce. It's not too rich, don't ask me how they do it.

A digression on the danger of traversing the Magic Kingdom

The magic kingdom loves parades. Do you have a dream? They're gonna celebrate it. Did one of your dreams recently come true? Oh, you better believe they're gonna celebrate the shit out of that. And they're gonna do that with a big honkin', singin', dancin', dream celebratin', cuttin' you from the rest of the park off PARADE, mother fucker. These parades come down the boundary between fake America - Libertytown, I think - and Fantasyland, where you have It's A Small World and some classic rides. We wanted to get to Futureland, so we were on the wrong side of the parade. But then Katie had to go to the bathroom and by the time she was done the parade was over. So I guess that was kind of a pointless digression.

Remember when we forgot the phone? Here's some excuses to give your wife about why it isn't your fault, from wisest to most thrilling

I forgot it because I was too enraptured by your beauty.
I remembered to forget to remind you, so I remembered if you think about it.
I packed it, but then while you were looking out the window a were-badger broke into the monorail car we're in now and she tried to take the phone, and when I was trying to fight her off she bit me and now I'm a were badger except I also turned into a badger and back in the meantime so I don't have a bite mark on me, and also everyone else in the monorail car got bit by a were-badger and they have a code of silence so if you ask them they'll deny that any of this happened.

Then we went to Futureland

First up was Stitch's Great Escape, a cute theater show where the gag is you're a Galactic Patrol Agent on your first day on the job, and Stitch is going to, spoilers, escape. Um, greatly. This is one of those shows where you sit in a theater and there's all kinds of special effects; Stitch steals someone's chili dog and burps in your ear, Stitch jumps on your shoulder harness, Stitch tickles you as one of the Galactic Patrol Agents helplessly screams "He's torturing them!", etc. It's cute, and the fact that your boss is the bad guy from Lilo & Stitch is a nice touch (what other rides are you working for the villains?)

Next up was the People Mover. This ride is my speed - no wait, and you take a leisurely zoom around Tomorrowland up off the ground. You even go underneath Space Mountain, which you can see inside, and is the closest I'm gonna get to going on that, thanks.

Buzz Lightyear's Space Ranger Spin was up next. This is a ride where you and your partner get in a ride vehicle and shoot at bad guys for points. I committed the ultimate crime of getting a higher score than Katie.

Nick's guide to cheating at Buzz Lightyear's Space Ranger Spin, for evildoers everywhere

Use your free hand to balance the blaster and never stop shooting.

Like everything at Disney, the amount of detail included is really impressive. As you get into your car, on the far wall there's an awesome  \30-foot wide glow in the dark backlight painting of Buzz Lightyear fighting the evil space emperor Xenu. While going through the line, your briefing is presented on a huge wall-mounted Viewmaster, and it has the picture wheel sticking out the top. Not only that, but you can see the slides in the picture wheel, and it even cycles through them in the correct order. WOW

Next up was a ride I've never been on before, the Speedway; I'm not sure what's so futuristic about this since it's basically you driving a car. It's like a go-kart, except the car is on a metal rail, and you use the wheel to keep it straight on the ral, otherwise it lurches around and plays tire squealing sound effects. It was fun and relaxing since Katie was driving, although she was drunkenly swerving all over the road, possibly still feeling those two Green Pythons from yesterday.

Last up was the Carousel of Progress, a theater show where your seat - in fact, the whole theater - rotates around the stage. It covers four different time periods, starting with the turn of the century, so you have this guy show up and go "Boy, now we have an icebox, there's no WAY this could get better," then you rotate to the 1920's and there's a guy who goes "Golly, now we have a refridgerator, there's no WAY this could get better," and so on up to, I guess, now? with HDTVs, Laserdiscs, virtual reality, and ovens that go up to 950 degrees and explode when you incrediously go "950 points!!!" at Grandma's virtual reality score. Sure, why not. Also, the guy doing the narrating kind of sounds like Norm McDonald.

That was about it for the Magic Kingdom, so we got the boat home and I wrote up a trip report that I remind everyone is not admissible in court.

Wife Addendum: In case you haven't been able to tell, Nick's many Obama jokes are making fun of Tea Partiers and their dumbassery.  If you look closely, the real birth certificate is in Robot Obama's pocket! Tomorrow is my birthday. yay!

Disney 2011, Day 2

Exciting Things That Happened In Between the Last Report And Now
I slept like a log for 9 hours. Katie watched "Princess Protection Service", a made for TV movie from 2008 where a bitchy teenage girl learns the important lesson that being a princess is awesome.

Today we had lunch reservations at Teppan Edo, a restaurant where you sit at a hibachi grill and the chef cooks your food for you. As an appetizer I got a dish of raw salmon, raw tuna, and avacado. I actually really liked the raw tuna; The menu said it was "Sashimi-quality", and I guess it was, because it just about melted in my mouth, and it didn't taste fishy at all. In fact, I'd almost have believed it was fruit. The salmon I wasn't as much of a fan of - this you could tell was fish.
For the entree Katie and I both got chicken. This isn't really anything fancy; It's chicken breast cooked and cut up for you on the hibachi. However, watching it get cooked in front of you really makes you want to eat it, and it tasted great. I skipped the mushrooms (too chewy). For dessert Katie had green tea pudding, which was good, and I had ginger chocolate cake, which was better.

While we were in Japan we also went shopping. Japan has a huge store - huge even for Disney "Yeah, we'll take your money" World. I really like this store for two reasons. The first is that it has a classical section where you can find folding fans, calligraphy sets, insence, fine cloth, etc. and a modern section where you have Hello Kitty, Pokemon, and anime stuff. The second reason is that these sections are seperate, so you don't have neck-bearded Naruto fans looking for Sakura wallscrolls breathing down your neck while you go snack shopping.
And oh the snacks: This is one of the few stores I can find that has good rice crackers, which we limited ourselves to getting one pack of, only because we can't carry more. We'll see how long we can go without eating these; I'll put the over/under at 18 hours.

After that we left the World Showcase and went to see Captain Eo, which is BACK, mother fucker. Disney has, wisely, I think, preserved this untouched from 1986, complete with mega-cheesy everyone-has-big-beards making-of video. The show itself (in 3D!!!!!) is about what you'd expect from a collaboration between George Lucas, Steven Spielberg, and Micheal Jackson. The blue elephant guy playing the keyboard from Star Wars is in this movie, playin' the keyboard (and sneezing on the audience), so I don't know where it fits in the canon. The movie also features the Borg Queen from Star Trek: First Contact, complete with assimilated drones that Captain Eo transforms into backup dancers with special effects. And her makeup looks better in this movie, really. Good stuff.

Totally mean alternate name for Captain Eo I'm not going to use because I enjoyed it

More like CRAPTAIN Eo! Oh snap!

Next up was Journey Into Imagination with Figment, a purple dragon that I guess certain people have a fondness for from an earlier ride he was in. In the current one he annoys Eric Idle. It's cute. We got a plush Figment on the way out and put him in our kidney bag with his head sticking out, so it looked like we were carrying him around, or maybe kidnapping him. (Later we took him out to make more room for a bottle of water, so Figment's feet and the tip of his tail were sticking out of our shopping bag, which REALLY made it look like we were kidnapping him.)
We were going to do Soarin' next, but it might as well be named Inaccessible Due To Ridiculous Line Times, because, um, we couldn't go on it because of the ridiculous wait time. The Land, a boring-sounding but interesting ride where you see a greenhouse (with hydroponic tomatoes that are GROWING UPSIDE DOWN YOU GUYS), was closed due to a badger attack. I mean, I'm assuming, they didn't give a reason, but it was probably badgers. Or ferrets, they smell bad. It's a defense mechanism.

Totally mean alternate name for Soarin', which I can't tell is accurate since we are not willing to wait 65 minutes in line to ride it

More like SNORIN'! Boom!

Next we went on the Little Nemo ride, which starts with you getting into a giant clam, after which a staff member give you a lecture on how you just willingly climbed into a giant clam and if this was real life, you would have been eaten and right now you'd be clam poop. No, just kidding. Actually, it's a short ride where Nemo is missing again, and his dad is looking for him? I was only half paying attention to the movie. It is pretty relaxing, though, and the final song they sing is annoyingly catchy. The ride lets out directly into a two-story aquariam, where we saw a bunch of small sharks and three absolutely huge turtles, two of them laying around the floor and one of them very slowly floating up to the top of the tank, probably to get a government handout. Thanks, Obamarx.

Responses to say to your wife when she asks if she smells, from smartest to most dangerous

Yes, you smell wonderful!
No, not at all.
No, why would you smell?
Do you? What do you smell?
Yes, you reek!

Katie's dogs were barkin' now so our last stop was Spaceship Earth, where Dame Judi Dench guides you through a history of communication, starting with cavemen and ending with mean internet commenters. What really stands out about this ride is that at the start, you look into a camera, and at the end it will ask you about what kind of vacations you like, after which it will show you a movie where YOU, a stick figure with your photo pasted on as the head, blasts off into space or under the ocean. It's hilarious, and I only wish you could put your email address in or something to send it to everyone, so you could all see me floating in space giving a Fonzie-esque EYYYYY thumbs up to the camera. Also, the ride is presented by Siemens, but I've been told if I make any more giggling puns about it I'm going to be punched. So I'll save those for when we go on Pirates of Carribean.
After that we came back to the hotel, did some shopping, and sat out looking over the lagoon watching the sun set. OKAY, boat, we hear you! Stop blowin' that horn!

Things to say to steer your wife to the bathrooms when you looked up where they are on the map

I know where the bathroom is, follow me.
Follow me - I know where the bathroom is.
Don't go in there and ask, I know where they are.
Did they tell you where they are? I knew they were there already.
Ow.

For dinner we had the same thing as we had last night, except this time as room service. And we added a fruit plate. And a big slice of chocolate cake. And two Cokes in a clear plastic cube filled with ice. I don't know what it is about room service, but man, if you ever want to feel like a king, go to Disney and order some up. The electric light parade and fireworks going off outside our door over the lagoon didn't hurt either.

Survival techniques when vacationing with your wife who is celebrating the second anniversary of turning 29

Choose the smartest response when she asks if she smells.
Don't mention that she was asking if she smells when writing up your trip report.

Wife Addendum: No Chelsea or Dr Who swag at England at Epcot. Started PIN PANDEMONIUM by buying five each for our hats. Dorked out for the return of Captain Eo and the return of the Figment ride. The Figment wearing the astronaut outfit is in there!! Mumbly husbands also shouldn't walk two feet behind their wives if they want to alert them to bathroom locations!

Disney 2011, Day 1

Our day started at 4:15 AM. The only thing that we don't have is our camera. Now, yes, I know, I can hear you punching your computer with rage, shouting "Nick, you're extremely good looking, how could you not bring your camera??" Well, allow me to explain.

An amusing anecdote about why we can't find our camera because our house is a mess to placate angry readers

One day a few weeks ago there's a knock on our door. A policeman is outside who says that the house next door has been burglarized and asks if our house has been hit. No, I tell him, looking around to make sure nothing's missing. "Are you sure?" he asks, peering in the front door. "It sure looks ransacked!"

So that's where our camera is, somewhere in the living room. Maybe we'll get a disposable one. Or more probably not take many pictures. We can take the ones from the last trip and draw fake mustaches and "It's 2011" messages on our shirts. It's called recycling and going green, thanks.
We got the airport around 5:30 for our 6:30 flight. Myself, Katie, and one other guy were the "Business Class", so we got to board first. Our flight was uneventful except that one of the passengers was a werewolf and he bit a flight attendant and then the flight attendants ran up and down the aisles biting people, so now we're werewolves.

How to enliven a story that boils down to "We got up, went to the airport, took a plane and then took a bus"

Make up a story about becoming a werewolf after one of the werewolf flight attendants bit you.

When we arrived, we zoomed through the non-existent line for the Magical Express, aka Bus To Your Hotel. We're staying at the Polynesian, one of the top-line hotels, along with the Contemporary, that's hollow and the monorail DRIVES THROUGH YOU GUYS, and the Grand Floridian, which is grand and in Florida.

Considered & Rejected Names for the Grand Floridian

Walt Disney's You Come, You Stay, You Pay, You Get the Hell Away
Walt Disney's Dismal Floridian
Walt Disney's Place You Sleep In
Walt Disney's Too Long Joke That Ends Now

We got some nice leis on the way in, and despite arriving at like 10:30 AM due to how early our flight is, our room was ready. This is a great room, too, I think Katie's taking pictures with the ipad. There are LIGHTS INSIDE THE CLOSETS, have you heard of such a thing. We also have a Lagoon View (more expensive than what we almost got, the Parking Lot View - yes, that is not a joke), so we can see out over the bay the grand floridian, contemporary, and Space Mountain in the magic kingdom. We had a lunch reservation at the Rainforst Cafe, so it was off to the busses to go to Downtown Disney where the restaurant is located. Our lunch got off to a weird start as the waiter came over and went "Hello ladies," but after two Green Pythons we were feeling better. Katie got WORLD PASTA, which was pretty good, although as far as I could tell it was spicy ziti. I guess that's a delicacy in, um, the world. Also, our glasses read A WILD PLACE TO EAT AND SHOP, but mine had worn off, so it said A PLACE TO EAT AND SHOP, and I was like haha, it sure is. That's what you find amusing after two Green Pythons.

On the way back to the hotel we were treated to a long, inane conversation from our fellow bus passengers. One thing I have learned is that people love complaining about prices; I got to hear about how a gentleman's chicken fried steak costs $10 in a restaurant when it costs $3 to prepare. Well, sure, I wanted to point out; How does he think that people pay for the space, tables, silverware, electricity, food, waiters, chefs, dishwashers, etc? Sure you can cook a meal for yourself cheaper at home; You're paying for not having to do it when you go out to eat. I guess it's just as well I didn't say anything as this guy then proceeded to explain that he had diabetes, but it was self-diagnosed and he ain't goin to no doctor or takin no pills, he just doesn't eat cole slaw. Then we heard about how he's oppressed because he's caucasian (note to self: Go back and insert sarcastic reference, probably "Obumbler re-disributed my going to the doctor to his inner-city supports. Thanks, Obamugabe").

After that we lay around the room for a while, then had dinner at the Kona Cafe. I got the sweet potato and lemon grass bisque, which was very tasty. For the entree we both got the pan-asian noodles, me with chicken and Katie with tofu (ew, barf). This is noodles, chicken, red and yellow peppers, a few onions, snap peas, and broccolli. For dessert we had the infamous banana creme brulee, which is just as great as it was last time. The bill came to $86, except we have the meal plan, so we only paid the tip, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Just now the nightly fireworks started going off over the lagoon, so I'm going to go watch those from the chairs out on the deck. Boom.

Wife's Report:  Lady I sat next to on the plane thought I was 23.  Had a very cute conversation with a little girl on the bus to the hotel about Cinderella.  Generously let Nick have the bed farther away from the window.  Did not go overboard on the first day buying pins.  Should have brought pj pants!

Disney 2011 Introduction

For the second anniversary of my wife turning 29, went went to Disney for 10 days, staying at the Polynesian Resort. This time there is a trip report for all 10 days, even though Day 1 is basically "We arrived and ate some food" (spoiler alert). Otherwise these should be self-explanitory. Enjoy.

Italy 2010 wrapup

And that's it; Despite my promise of "Next time", there's no trip report for the next or last day. Also, the ear pain I mentioned is the end of a Q-tip that broke off in my ear canal.

If you're curious, the flight home was horrible, as our flight out of Italy got delayed and so we got bumped to a different connecting flight, so we got up at 6 AM in Italy and got back like 38 hours later at 1 AM in Albany. That's what you have to put up with for going to Europe, though. Great trip otherwise, even if it does make me turn my nose up at the Olive Garden and start every sentance about it with "Having BEEN to Rome..."

Next: Disney circa 2011.

Italy 2010, Day 4

A quick note about food: I usually write these updates before dinner (since after dinner it’s time to pass out and then wake up at 3:30 AM because my earache is acting up), so much isn’t said about dinner. Last night, I had a fried artichoke, which is way better than it sounds. They take a frying pan, put olive oil in it, put the artichoke on it leaves down, and fry it up. The result is half delicious crispy leaves that taste like really good fresh potato chips, and half the part the leaves are attached to – I think this is the “choke” itself – that’s great with some salt on it. We were debating if you could put the fried leaves in a bag and sell them; since they’re fried in olive oil, I imagine they’re healthier than potato chips, but I guess then you’d have to throw the choke away, which is just as good. Also, I’m not sure what you’d call this product; Nothing with “choke” in it sounds too appealing, and You can’t combine “fried” and “artichoke” because you get “Fartichoke,” which is about the worst name I can imagine. Maybe “artifried”. Nobody steal my idea.

Anyway, today we went to the Capitoline Museum. Remember yesterday when I said the Capitoline Museum will probably have less Germans in it? It didn’t. The Museum is up on the capital hill, which isn’t that bad to climb up. It’s split into two buildings with a tunnel underneath (there’s a third buiding on the hill, the Roman town hall). We started in the christian art gallery. There were a couple weird things I noticed here. One very popular saint to paint is Saint Sebastian.

Saint Sebastian was a matyr who got shot by the Romans; According to Wikipedia, he is “commonly depicted in art and literature tied to a post and shot with arrows”. What they don’t mention is that for some reason in all the paintings we saw of him, he’s striking a pinup pose. As an aside, here’s something I don’t get about martyrs: Sebastian got shot by arrows and lived, then went off for a little while before the Romans found him again and beat him to death. Why did God save him from getting shot by arrows, but not getting beaten to death? Admittedly, being saved from the arrows is more impressive (apparently he was filled with them until he “looked like a hedgehog” – where’s the painting of THAT?) but why was he saved once and not twice? Maybe God is like Spider-Man – you only get one?

Also popular is Judith, from the old testament, who chopped an Assyrian general’s head off. I don’t know if artists really want to paint Judith or really want to paint a cool decapitated head, but she’s in a ton of paintings. The museum’s notes claim that she’s popular because she represents the triumph of virtue over sin, but virtue normally doesn’t go around lopping sin’s head off, right? I’m going with the theory that there aren’t many chances to paint biblically chopped off heads.

Other than that, I wasn’t too terribly interested in some of the paintings; I sat through about a bazillion paintings of Madonna and Christ Super-Baby in Art History I and II, and this wasn’t the really weird looking early-period stuff before human measurements were figured out and the Virgin Mary had six-inch long claw-fingers and Jesus looked like a weird midget. One of the odd paintings I did like actually showed God, the Father, holding up Jesus’ cross – how often do you see THAT guy painted? Jesus is all over the place, of course, and the Holy Ghost appears as a dove all the time, but I guess the big guy’s really good at dodging paparazzi.

After that we looked through an exhibit of ancient statues dug up in someone’s garden. This was pretty interesting, but the cumultive effect could be creepy because most of the statues were missing heads and/or arms. Arms isn’t so bad, but heads and arms kind of makes it look like you’re going through a serial killer’s torso shed. One of the intact ones I like was of Marsyas, a dumbass who challenged Apollo to a music contest, and got his skin flayed off after losing (Apollo’s kind of a dick); the artist had tinted some of the statue purple to replicate the effect. There’s also a famous statue of Marcus Arelius on this floor, which supposedly only survived because it was mistaken for Constantine. (You can kinda see the resemblance.) Actually, there’s even more stuff on this floor – the hilltop that the museum is on used to house the roman Temple of Jupiter, and in fact the musem has been built around what survives of it – part of the massive stone pediment (the base the temple was built on). There’s a really neat clear plastic model showing how big the Temple was, as well as the remaining parts, which are filled in; hopefully the photograph of it came out.

That’s it for that half of the museum, so we took the underground tunnel over to the second half. The tunnel itself is decorated with some neat roman stuff – grave markers, lists of names of Praetorian Guards, even weird stuff that’s been preserved like explicit rental agreements. Roman writing looks weird to me here because the text starts out huge and gets smaller and smaller, which makes sense sometimes, but is also used in the rental agreement we read. It would be like if you read a contract that looked like this:

If rent is not paid

within five (5) days after due date, the Renter agrees to pay a charge of

(not more than one day’s rent) for late rent and/or each dishonored bank check,

unless waived by written agreement. If the Renter is unable to pay rent when due, the

Owner has the legal right to serve notice to pay rent or vacate within three (3) days, as provided by California Code of Civil Procedures Section 1161.

Weird shit. The second area of the museum holds a bunch of realistic Roman busts and sculptures. The Greeks liked idealized busts, so everyone both looks like a model and like everyone else; the romans did busts warts and all, which is far more interesting. Also, some of the Romans had really dumb-looking neckbeards. I was very surprised by a larger than life statue of Augustus nude, complete with non-broken-off stone weiner (making him one of the luckier statues); Supposedly Ceaser, when he was killed, pulled his toga over his face to maintain his dignity as his last act, and here’s a larger than life pantsless Augustus getting photographed. Go figure. Anyways, this wing of the musem is basically 100% sculpture, but it manages to avoid the usual “Oh boy, more masterpieces” malaise that sometimes set in; I attriute this to the realistic busts and super size of some of the statues. Also, jarringly, in the courtyard next to the Poseidon statue, there’s two twisted burnt girders from the World Trade Center (WTF??)

That’s all for the Museum; We were going to go see the Bambino – a carved wooden baby held for some reason in a church you have to go up a bunch of steps to see – but, unforchies, the church was closed until 3 PM, and my feet hurt, so we called it a day. It’s too bad, because the Bambino is one of the goofier Catholic things, so I would have had a chance both to point out that it’s not the real Bambino (that one was stolen), and that if I’m remembering correctly, the original was supposted to be carved out of an olive tree from the Garden of Gethesmane, which is almost as likely as the supposed Creche of Crist the catholics also have. Maybe next time.

Tomorrow: Villa Borgaise, which I’m too lazy to look up how to spell correctly; and hopefully less foot pain (curse these high arches!)

ITALIAN LESSON FOR IGNORANT AMERICANS

Vietato Fumare = No Smoking

Aeroporto = Airport

Leonardo da Vinci = Leonardo da Vinci

No Smoking in Lenoardo da Vinci Airport = Vietato Fumare Aeroporto Lenoardo da Vinci

Italy 2010, Day 3

Today we did Ostia (THE PORT OF ROME); It’s as far afield as we’ve been yet. To get there we got up, walked to the trolley area, took a trolley, got off, took a bus, got off, took the subway, got off, and took a train to Ostia. If that sounds like a pain in the ass, amazingly, it isn’t, for two reasons. The first is that Roman public transportation has a very un-Italian efficiency; We waited for the trolley for two minutes, rode it for 45 seconds, waited for the bus for two minutes, rode it for five minutes, waited for the train for one minute, rode it for five minutes, etc. Actually, the longest amount of time was spent on the second train waiting for enough people to show up so the train would leave! Total travel time was under 90 minutes, which brings me to point two: The public transportation pass. When you buy a pass (1 Euro), it’s good for 90 minutes after you use it the first time – so as long as we got on the bus and both trains within 90 minutes (and we did), it ended up costing a Euro apiece for all four forms of transportation.

Now of course, there are guys who go around checking to make sure that you have a ticket and that you’ve actually activated the ticket, but I have yet to see one, and I think they just give you a ticket, so if you were a dishonest person, you can ride around all day for free and only risk a scolding. But that’s not very nice, now is it?

Most of the actual trip was uneventful – looking out windows – but there were two things that stand out. The first is that my father asked us to keep an eye out in the train station, as this is when pickpockets like to strike, and he had a backback on that they could try to unzip. So I was on high alert the entire time; it kind of felt like guarding the President, although Katie and I didn’t have enough time to come up with a all-caps nickname like a Tom Clancey novel. Nobody tried to rob anyone, so I didn’t have a chance to throw myself in between his backpack and a theif while yelling NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO in slow motion. I’m holding out hope that at some time during the vacation I will be able to yell NOOOOOOOO in slow motion while leaping at the camera as a building explodes behind me.

Katie asked that I include a description of “Lots of butt to butt touching on the subway”, so let me put it here: On the way back, the subway was super crowded, There was lots of butt to butt touching on the subway. I ended up sandwhiched between Katie’s butt and the butts of three Muslim women (or at least three women wearing hijabs [look it up nerds]). I’m not sure whose butt hers was touching besides mine since the subway car was packed in as tight as the vatican museum, which takes some doing!

The second thing that stands out is a totally gross ad for, I think, a language school. It features a picture of a smiling woman’s mouth, with two, adult, full-size, tongues coming out of it. I get the idea behind the picture, but good god, it looks like the last thing you see in a really low budget horror movie. I tried to get a picture of this, but apparently everyone getting these updates has great karma, so I was unable to. If you want to replicate the image, try this: Open your mouth as far as it goes and hang your tongue out on side like a panting dog. Now imagine another tongue, the same size, coming out the other side of your mouth. On second thought, don’t. Bonus fun fact: Every time the word “tongue” has appeared in this paragraph, I’ve spelled it wrong (“tounge”) and had to go back and correct it. The more you know ~ ★

So anyways, Ostia Anticia (“Ancient Ostia” – not to be confused with the modern town of Ostia). This was really nice. Basically, the main road of the ancient Roman town is preserved, and you can walk down it and see the ruins all around you. If you want, you can go off the main road and actually walk around inside the ruins, which is great. I can’t imagine something like this in America, both because you’d never be allowed to walk the ruins, and because it would be packed with a billion people. There were some people here, that being myself, K-ham, my dad, and about 90 Germans, mein herr. The area itself is nice; there’s a fair amount of shade, some nice breeze, and there are now pine trees all over the place, so you can walk on pine needles instead of the uneven cobbles most of the time. The big attraction is the mosiacs in the area that used to be right by the bay; merchants would set up on these streets and commission mosiacs in front of ther store showing what they were selling (grain, transportation, elephants, transporting elephants eating grain, etc.) I hope this sounds interesting, because I took about 90000 pictures of these, and chances are good you’re going to have to sit through them.

The other thing I took 90000 pictures of was the cat who came over to look for food while we were eating lunch. K-ham named this cat “Ostia”, cruelly disregarding my suggestion of “Ass Butt Face Jones”. We didn’t want to get too close in case the cat had fleas, but she was a great ham at asking for food, and made out pretty well (three pieces of perschutto, and a piece of bread, which she actually ate).  She also tried to eat my dad’s shoes and crawl into his backpack. I got some photos of her sitting in my spot between K-ham and my dad, thus making it appear that I had been turned into a cat, for humerous effect, old bean. I say.

Ostia Anticia was a great place to visit, but not so much to write about, so that’s all – stay tuned for the endless pictures. It’s almost like being there! (Not really.) Tomorrow we’re doing the Capitoline Museum, which will probably have less Germans in it, mein frau.

MOST LITERAL STORE NAMES SEEN: “Drink & Food”, “SILK TIES”

(HOPEFULLY) LEAST LITERAL STORE NAME SEEN: “ROGER”

Italy 2010, Day 2

Today we did the Vatican Museum. You may be saying that’s not much to do for a whole day, but doing “just” the Vatican Museum is like saying you “just” ran the NY Marathon yesterday. But before we get into that, we tried out Italian TV last night, so let me tell you about that first. The apartment here has a satellite dish, which meant we got a bazillion channels, all of which fit into the following categories:

Boring English-language news about European politics or sports

Sports, usually soccer or auto racing, although world basketball was featured, as well as a baseball game between two countries I can’t remember where there were more people playing than watching the game, and had an amusing audio glitch where the annoucers sounded like Chipmunks

“Talent” shows (some real talent, some women standing around fake smiling into the camera)

Guys in suits yelling at each other, sometimes in front of goofy green screen effects

Guy reading the news, often in front of goofy green screen effects

Shopping channels

Old black and white movies subtitled into French

Come-ons for Arabian phone sex lines

Most of these aren’t that entertaining, although some of the talent shows are OK. I’m kind of amazed at how many channels were decidated to Arabian phone sex lines; isn’t it expensive to buy a satellite channel just to advertise these? If Italy is overrun with horny Arabian buisnessmen eager to make what must be a really long distance call, I haven’t seen it. The upside is these stations have hilarious names, which unluckily for you, I’m too lazy to go look up at the moment. Suffice to say, if Spike TV changes its name to “Sexy Sex TV” any time soon, you’ll know where they got it from. There are also a ton of Arabian TV channels that fill into the “Guys in suits” except they’re not wearing suits. This kind of makes sense since north Africa isn’t too far away from Italy, but we’re getting stuff from like Yemen and Saudi Arabia. Go figure.

So that was last night. Today was the vatican museum, and my writeup about it will feature a super special guest star: the Tortured Vatican Museum Analogy, or TVMA. Basically, the Vatican Museum is a huge long line, then a really long series of rooms, then the Sistine Chapel. Using the TVMA, you’re like a little piece of a long piece of spahgetti (the line); You go through the mouth (the entrance), then get digested (going through the hallways), and then get pooped out the Sistine Chapel. Gross. The TVMA goes even further; The Vatican unfortuneatly has bowel obstructions in the form of morons who stand on stairs or in the doors everyone has to pass through and take pictures. Sadly, no white blood cells appeared to eat these people. Also, the Vatican really loves spaghetti, because there are more people crammed butt to face into the Museum than I have ever seen in my life. There’s an endless stream of people going all the time, bottlenecking at stairs, narrow doorways, and dumbasses taking pictures in inconveniant places. This also means it’s very hot since there are so many people in there. Maybe not 98.6 degrees exactly, but hot enough to make you perspire heavily. And this is in the less-busy afternoon. Not a good place if you’re claustrophobic.

As for the stuff actually on display in the Museum – it’s interesting but varies widely; there’s interesting Greek and Roman statues, but there’s so much of it that you get numbed to it after a while – yawn, more ancient masterpieces; how boring. There are huge tapestries, which are neat, but they’re a bit faded. There’s a room that’s nothing but huge maps painted on the wall, which is more interesting, and also a bench where you can sit down and get some breeze, which was even more interesting to me at the time. Then there’s some famous Raphael rooms, which are very nice; then some modern art, and then the Sistine Chapel. So yes, the famous ceiling is in there, but it’s much smaller than you’re probably thinking; it looks teeny weeny up there on the ceiling. Also, it’s kind of weird. The first panel has, I think, God creating the universe; it looks like he’s throwing a fit like that girl from “Babies”, though. The second one has him creating the sun, and there’s a guy showing God his bare ass; I really don’t get this. Maybe it’s God creating the sun and the moon???????? Cue laugh track. After that is the famous panel of God creating Adam, and so on. Since this is a chapel, the security guys are continually trying, unsuccessfully, to get people to shut up; the guy up at the front kept bellowing “SILENCE!” (I kept hoping he’d add “YOU FOOLS!”) and the guy at the back where we were was aggressively shushing. Of course, this didn’t work, but that’s okay, because the place was packed, and there was nobody praying in there; it’s not like anybody was holding Mass, it’s a huge tourist attraction. You might as well try to shush Grand Central Station, and these guys had about as much luck keeping the place quiet.

Anyway, remember back up there where I said that you get pooped out the Sistine Chapel? Apparently they changed the way the tour goes, because now you walk back to the beginning of the musem, suggesting a really gross event if we’re still using people as little pieces of a spaghetti strand, so I’m going to ditch the analogy now. Goodbye, TVMA! I don’t know when they made this change, but the way back is a less interesting, as it has a lot of empty hallways – the art and objects are displayed in big display cases, and most of the ones lining the walls on the way out are closed. But some of them have stuff – there’s a quasi-map room with some neat globes, and I liked the one with a collection of alterpieces and huge gilded Bibles (Katie tried to get some snaps of these). Above the display cases are frescos, and some of the ones on the way out are a little bizzare, as they feature people in 17^th century clothes, including a cardinal wearing a red tricolor cardinal hat, and one where it looks like the Pope is inviting Napolean for tea. And then the gift shop, and out. On the way back we had to walk down the street of tacky stores, and we got a bomb-assed Pope snowglobe (the last one in stock!) On the bus home, I sat next to a very excited Italian man talking on his cell phone, who went through a five minute phrase during which he only spoke two words: “Julia” and “Fongul” (fuck). But he was saying both of these words in a very happy tone, so it sounds like a very bizzare conversation; I can’t imagine what Julia must have been saying. Hmm.

And that’s it; Now we’re going to go eat pizza (which is served without cheese, thank you very much!)

WEIRDEST SIGHT OF THE DAY: Three people eating lunch in the Vatican museum bathroom.

Italy 2010, Day 1

Nothing much interesting happened in Albany (par for the course). But there was an announcer fight: One guy got on the PA and went "Testing 1-2-3-4, testing 1-2-3-4", pause, and repeated it. Then another voice came on and sneered "It's working 1-2-3-4" and the PA fight was on.

The flight down to Newark is 50 minutes, and nothing happened. Then a layover, during which nothing continued to happen. Then the flight! Oh boy. 7 hours and 50 minutes. As usual, I got absolutely no sleep on the airplane. I may have nodded off during The Big Bang Theory for twenty minutes. This means that, having left Newark at 5:30, we arrived in Rome at 7:30 local time, or 2 am our time, not having slept.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. Let me return to the flight, because I can not pass over one of the movies being shown on the plane. This was "Babies". Never has there been a more accurate movie title. If I had gone out and paid $7 to watch this movie, I would have been pissed. This may be the cheapest movie ever made: Set up a camera and point it at a baby. Done. On the flight, after being sleep deprived and with all the cabin lights off, this movie turns into a total mindfuck. I watched slack jawed in amazement as a baby tried to play with her toy - a wooden dowell and a series of concentric wooden rings with a hole the size of the dowel in it - and then threw a fit, I guess, rolling around and making weird noises and flopping around. It's fucking weird. Then, a goat came in and licked the butt of a Mongolian baby taking a bath. Also, the male babies don't wear pants. Can we get these kids some pants? I don't know. This is some weird shit, people. Stay away from "Babies".

So anyway, we got to Rome, and I have to say, the one nicer place in America than in Rome is the airport. Not that the airport's bad, per se, but it's super duper 70's, and Newark, where we flew out of, is nice. Also, I wasn't even able to get out of the airport before another american made an offensive remark. I'm not gonna repeat it here, but suffice to say that you guys won't believe this - they have SCARY MOOSLIMS in Europe - and they're allowed in the AIRPORT

So after that charming experience, into Rome. I don't know if it's a stereyotype that Romans are insane drivers, but they are. I had to cover my eyes. I thought people drove terriibly in Albnany, and I guess they do; to be fair, it looks like ALL the Roman drivers are crazy, so it evens out. After that we got to our apartment, which is nice, except the ceilings are bizzarely huge. There's two bathrooms, but only one has a real bidet (the other one has a little nozzle; video forthcoming!!!!!!!!!) Then I brought a hat and we sat at a cafe. Next to the cafe was one of the "temporary stores" (exactly what it sounds like); Katie brought a cat version of the Mouth of Truth. In case you don't know, the Mouth of Truth is a famous sculpture that you stick your hand in, and if you lie, it bites your hand off. Katie got a replica of this, but it's a cat. Like LOL Cats, but ceramic, and based on famous works of art. (We almost got the smug cat in a toga with a laurel leaf above the title "Romeow", but this one's a little funnier to me.) Photos forthcoming assuming it survives the trip home. Negoiations are currently underway about what to call it; I'm voting for the "Meowth of Truth": Katie, "Truthcat". Big doings. Later: Dinner, and I will pass out.

HIGH POINT: I saw a cute dog.

LOW POINT: "Erotixa" is apparently closed on Sundays :(

Italy 2010 introduction

On September 11th, 2010, we flew out of the United States to spend a week in Italy with my parents. I used my father's netbook to type up the first trip reports. Only after these were just about done did my sister start asking about what I had been eating, at which point, woops. (This is why I'm always talking about food in the reports for the next vacation.) Enjoy.

Introduction

Hello!

I am Nham. I like to go on vacation. While on vacation, I like to write up wiseass trip reports and email them out. I figured that after coming home, it's probably easier to put these in one central place so I can send them to people without having to dig into my gmail and find it. This is the repository.

Frequently Asked Questions

Q. What's with the address of this blog?
A. Blogger's been around since 2006, so all the good ones are taken, even if the majority of them are totally empty.

Q. Why are you always complaining in these reports?
A. No I'm not.

Q. Are you enjoying yourself?
A. Yes, of course.

Q. You are extremely good looking.
A. Thank you.

Without further ado, allow me to present the first trip where I had access to a netbook - Italy 2010.