Italy 2010, Day 2

Today we did the Vatican Museum. You may be saying that’s not much to do for a whole day, but doing “just” the Vatican Museum is like saying you “just” ran the NY Marathon yesterday. But before we get into that, we tried out Italian TV last night, so let me tell you about that first. The apartment here has a satellite dish, which meant we got a bazillion channels, all of which fit into the following categories:

Boring English-language news about European politics or sports

Sports, usually soccer or auto racing, although world basketball was featured, as well as a baseball game between two countries I can’t remember where there were more people playing than watching the game, and had an amusing audio glitch where the annoucers sounded like Chipmunks

“Talent” shows (some real talent, some women standing around fake smiling into the camera)

Guys in suits yelling at each other, sometimes in front of goofy green screen effects

Guy reading the news, often in front of goofy green screen effects

Shopping channels

Old black and white movies subtitled into French

Come-ons for Arabian phone sex lines

Most of these aren’t that entertaining, although some of the talent shows are OK. I’m kind of amazed at how many channels were decidated to Arabian phone sex lines; isn’t it expensive to buy a satellite channel just to advertise these? If Italy is overrun with horny Arabian buisnessmen eager to make what must be a really long distance call, I haven’t seen it. The upside is these stations have hilarious names, which unluckily for you, I’m too lazy to go look up at the moment. Suffice to say, if Spike TV changes its name to “Sexy Sex TV” any time soon, you’ll know where they got it from. There are also a ton of Arabian TV channels that fill into the “Guys in suits” except they’re not wearing suits. This kind of makes sense since north Africa isn’t too far away from Italy, but we’re getting stuff from like Yemen and Saudi Arabia. Go figure.

So that was last night. Today was the vatican museum, and my writeup about it will feature a super special guest star: the Tortured Vatican Museum Analogy, or TVMA. Basically, the Vatican Museum is a huge long line, then a really long series of rooms, then the Sistine Chapel. Using the TVMA, you’re like a little piece of a long piece of spahgetti (the line); You go through the mouth (the entrance), then get digested (going through the hallways), and then get pooped out the Sistine Chapel. Gross. The TVMA goes even further; The Vatican unfortuneatly has bowel obstructions in the form of morons who stand on stairs or in the doors everyone has to pass through and take pictures. Sadly, no white blood cells appeared to eat these people. Also, the Vatican really loves spaghetti, because there are more people crammed butt to face into the Museum than I have ever seen in my life. There’s an endless stream of people going all the time, bottlenecking at stairs, narrow doorways, and dumbasses taking pictures in inconveniant places. This also means it’s very hot since there are so many people in there. Maybe not 98.6 degrees exactly, but hot enough to make you perspire heavily. And this is in the less-busy afternoon. Not a good place if you’re claustrophobic.

As for the stuff actually on display in the Museum – it’s interesting but varies widely; there’s interesting Greek and Roman statues, but there’s so much of it that you get numbed to it after a while – yawn, more ancient masterpieces; how boring. There are huge tapestries, which are neat, but they’re a bit faded. There’s a room that’s nothing but huge maps painted on the wall, which is more interesting, and also a bench where you can sit down and get some breeze, which was even more interesting to me at the time. Then there’s some famous Raphael rooms, which are very nice; then some modern art, and then the Sistine Chapel. So yes, the famous ceiling is in there, but it’s much smaller than you’re probably thinking; it looks teeny weeny up there on the ceiling. Also, it’s kind of weird. The first panel has, I think, God creating the universe; it looks like he’s throwing a fit like that girl from “Babies”, though. The second one has him creating the sun, and there’s a guy showing God his bare ass; I really don’t get this. Maybe it’s God creating the sun and the moon???????? Cue laugh track. After that is the famous panel of God creating Adam, and so on. Since this is a chapel, the security guys are continually trying, unsuccessfully, to get people to shut up; the guy up at the front kept bellowing “SILENCE!” (I kept hoping he’d add “YOU FOOLS!”) and the guy at the back where we were was aggressively shushing. Of course, this didn’t work, but that’s okay, because the place was packed, and there was nobody praying in there; it’s not like anybody was holding Mass, it’s a huge tourist attraction. You might as well try to shush Grand Central Station, and these guys had about as much luck keeping the place quiet.

Anyway, remember back up there where I said that you get pooped out the Sistine Chapel? Apparently they changed the way the tour goes, because now you walk back to the beginning of the musem, suggesting a really gross event if we’re still using people as little pieces of a spaghetti strand, so I’m going to ditch the analogy now. Goodbye, TVMA! I don’t know when they made this change, but the way back is a less interesting, as it has a lot of empty hallways – the art and objects are displayed in big display cases, and most of the ones lining the walls on the way out are closed. But some of them have stuff – there’s a quasi-map room with some neat globes, and I liked the one with a collection of alterpieces and huge gilded Bibles (Katie tried to get some snaps of these). Above the display cases are frescos, and some of the ones on the way out are a little bizzare, as they feature people in 17^th century clothes, including a cardinal wearing a red tricolor cardinal hat, and one where it looks like the Pope is inviting Napolean for tea. And then the gift shop, and out. On the way back we had to walk down the street of tacky stores, and we got a bomb-assed Pope snowglobe (the last one in stock!) On the bus home, I sat next to a very excited Italian man talking on his cell phone, who went through a five minute phrase during which he only spoke two words: “Julia” and “Fongul” (fuck). But he was saying both of these words in a very happy tone, so it sounds like a very bizzare conversation; I can’t imagine what Julia must have been saying. Hmm.

And that’s it; Now we’re going to go eat pizza (which is served without cheese, thank you very much!)

WEIRDEST SIGHT OF THE DAY: Three people eating lunch in the Vatican museum bathroom.